A family of moles had been hibernating all winter.

One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around.

“Mother Mole!” He called back down the hole. “Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!”

The mother mole ran up and squeezed out the hole next to him. “That’s not honey, that’s maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!”

The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. “I can’t smell anything down here but molasses…”

A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery School. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use ‘Big People Words,’ she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

“I went to visit my Nana.” John replied.

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use Big People words.”

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

“I took a ride on a choo-choo.” Mitchell said.

She said. “No, you took a ride on a train. You must remember to use Big People words.”

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

“I read a book” he replied.

“That’s wonderful,” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

“Winnie the SHIT”

These are handy sentences to know when traveling in Muslim countries:

“AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.”
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

“FEKR GABUL GARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.”
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

“SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE.”
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

“AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.”
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

“FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN.”
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

“KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRIKAHEY.”
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies traveling as reporters.

“BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!”
Whatever you say!

“MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.”
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

“TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELLEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.”
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

A parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, “Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!”

“Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!”

“No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is – a Son of a Bitch fish!”

“Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!”

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

“Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen”

“Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?”

“Why, eat it, of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!”

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

“Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!”

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, “Father!”

“It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!”

“Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?”

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

“I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch,” she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

“What are you doing Sister?”

“Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop’s Dinner”

“Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!”

“No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch Fish.”

“Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you’ve finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.”

On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, “This is great fish, where did you get it?”

“I caught that Son of a Bitch!” proclaimed the proud priest.

“And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!” exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, “And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!”

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, “You mother fuckers are my kind of people!”

An ESL teacher requested students to use some words in a sentence.

1. Cheese

Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. Mushroom

When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.

3. Shoulder

My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I shoulder.

4. Texas

My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

5. Herpes

Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. July

Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. Rectum

I had two cars but my wife rectum!

8. Chicken

I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. Wheelchair

We only have one enchilada left, but don’ worry wheelchair.

10. Chicken wing

My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. Harassment

My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, “honey harassment nothing to me.”

12. Bishop

My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. Body wash

I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. Budweiser

That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida Governor’s office asked whether people who live in Florida think illegal immigration is a serious problem.

29 percent of respondents answered: “Yes, it is a serious problem.”

71 percent of respondents answered: “No es una problema seriosa.”

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

“House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.”

“Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”

A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?”

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (”la computadora”), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (”el computador”), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.