How to Misuse Figures of Speech

• Company manager mulling over his next strategic move: “Argh! This is a no-win-win situation!”
• Man to his new wife: “Don’t worry honey, we’ll just burn the bridge when we get there.”
• Lawyer to the jury: “Ladies and gentlemen, this contract is annulled and void.”
• The same lawyer, on a different case: “Your honor, this exercise is mute and academic…”
• Man to his friend, “Don’t worry too much about it, if worse comes to shove, just leave it!”
• Girl to boyfriend: “Oh? Are you joking my leg?”
• Exclamation: “Oh my God! It’s a blessing in the sky.”
• Randy: “Dawg, you’re barking at the wrong dog.”
• Simon: “You want to have your cake and bake it too… well it ain’t happenin’.”
• “Now and there…”
• “I’m only human nature…sob!”
• “The sky’s the langit.” (For non Filipinos, “langit” means… well… “sky”.)
• When the boss asked how a project is progressing, an employee answers: “Sir, so far, so good…so far.” The boss responded, “Well, hurry up! Time is of the elements.”
• Describing a shooting star: “Then it was gone in the wink of an eye!”
• “The feeling is actual.”
• “For all intense and purposes.”
• Explaining: “It’s a base-to-base casis…”
• “Can’t you just cut me some slacks?!”

A priest and a nun are playing ping pong.

The priest is a bit out of practice, and soon missed the ball. In frustration, he says “Shit!”

The nun admonishes the priest, because God doesn’t like that sort of language.

After a while, the priest missed another shot and he again exclaimed “Shit!”

The nun, getting somewhat irritated, again admonishes the priest for his language.

The priest composes himself and play resumes. But he soon misses the ball once again and shouts “Shit!”

Then there is a huge storm, bringing thunder, lightning and rain. Eventually, the nun is hit by the lightning.

The shaken priest hears a voice from above that says, “Shit!”

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is “UP.”

It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP.

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When I was young, our friends referred to me as “Linda UP the street.” My friend was “Linda down the street.” It was a flat street.

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant for dinner.

He is told by the maitre’d that there will be a twenty minute wait and suggests he wait in the bar.

The man walks to the bar and seats himself.

The bartender walks up and says with a heavy accent, “What you rike dlink?”

The man replies, “Give me a Stoli with a twist.”

The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, “Once upon time were four rittle pigs…”

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter.

One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around.

“Mother Mole!” He called back down the hole. “Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!”

The mother mole ran up and squeezed out the hole next to him. “That’s not honey, that’s maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!”

The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. “I can’t smell anything down here but molasses…”

A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery School. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use ‘Big People Words,’ she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

“I went to visit my Nana.” John replied.

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use Big People words.”

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

“I took a ride on a choo-choo.” Mitchell said.

She said. “No, you took a ride on a train. You must remember to use Big People words.”

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

“I read a book” he replied.

“That’s wonderful,” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

“Winnie the SHIT”

These are handy sentences to know when traveling in Muslim countries:

“AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.”
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

“FEKR GABUL GARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.”
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

“SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE.”
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

“AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.”
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

“FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN.”
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

“KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRIKAHEY.”
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies traveling as reporters.

“BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!”
Whatever you say!

“MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.”
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

“TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELLEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.”
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.