A parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, “Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!”

“Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!”

“No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is – a Son of a Bitch fish!”

“Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!”

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

“Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen”

“Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?”

“Why, eat it, of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!”

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

“Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!”

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, “Father!”

“It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!”

“Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?”

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

“I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch,” she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

“What are you doing Sister?”

“Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop’s Dinner”

“Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!”

“No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch Fish.”

“Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you’ve finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.”

On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, “This is great fish, where did you get it?”

“I caught that Son of a Bitch!” proclaimed the proud priest.

“And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!” exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, “And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!”

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, “You mother fuckers are my kind of people!”

An ESL teacher requested students to use some words in a sentence.

1. Cheese

Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. Mushroom

When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.

3. Shoulder

My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I shoulder.

4. Texas

My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

5. Herpes

Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. July

Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. Rectum

I had two cars but my wife rectum!

8. Chicken

I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. Wheelchair

We only have one enchilada left, but don’ worry wheelchair.

10. Chicken wing

My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. Harassment

My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, “honey harassment nothing to me.”

12. Bishop

My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. Body wash

I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. Budweiser

That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida Governor’s office asked whether people who live in Florida think illegal immigration is a serious problem.

29 percent of respondents answered: “Yes, it is a serious problem.”

71 percent of respondents answered: “No es una problema seriosa.”

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

“House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.”

“Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”

A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?”

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (”la computadora”), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (”el computador”), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an ‘E’ for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.

In a Tokyo Hotel:

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

In a Leipzig elevator:

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

In a Paris hotel elevator:

In a hotel in Athens:

In a Yugoslavian hotel:

In a Japanese hotel:

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

On the menu of a Polish hotel:

Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop:

In a Bangkok dry cleaners:

Outside a Paris dress shop:

In a Rhodes tailor shop:

From the Soviet Weekly:

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:

In a Zurich hotel:

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

In a Rome laundry:

In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency:

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

In a Swiss mountain inn:

In a Bangkok temple:

In a Tokyo bar:

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

In a Budapest zoo:

In the office of a Roman doctor:

In an Acapulco hotel:

In a Tokyo shop:

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

Two signs from a Mojorcan shop entrance:

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, “Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry.”

“Hans Olaffsen?”, he muses. “How the heck does that fit in here?”

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, “How did this place get a name like ‘Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry?’”

The old man answers, “Is name of owner.”

The tourist asks, “Well, who and where is the owner?”

“Me, is right here,” replies the old man.

“You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?”

“Is simple,” says the old man. “Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and say, “What your name?” He say, “Hans Olaffsen.” Then she look at me and say, ‘What your name?’”

“I say, ‘Sem Ting.’”

A jumbo jet is at the end of its flight and preparing to land. The pilot comes on over the intercom. “This is Capt. Johnson. We’re on our final approach to our destination. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and we appreciate you flying with us today.”

The pilot forgets to switch off the microphone. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, “Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?

“Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.

“Well,” says the skipper, “first I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I’m gonna take that new stewardess out for dinner. You know, the one with the huge boobs. I’m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room, and put it to her all night.”

Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

She’s so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says, “No need to run, dear. He’s gotta take a shit first!”