An attorney was asked to draft a couple of wills for an elderly couple.

After completing the paper work, and scheduled a meeting to have them sign the paperwork.

Sensing that they old couple were somewhat aprehensive about discussing death, he decides to try to lighten the mood.

When they arrived for their appointments to sign the documents, he ushered them into his office and asked them:

“So, which one of you wants to go first?”

Good: You’re pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets.
Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He’s a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there.
Ugly: You’re in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give “the birds and the bees” talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

One rainy afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole – killing them both instantly.

The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he’ll get back with them on that request.

A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can, in fact, get arried in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks “Just wondering, if things don’t work out will we be able to get a divorce?”

With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out “Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here… you really think I’m gonna find a lawyer?”

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

“That’s unfair!” he cried. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.”

“Shut up!” barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

“Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.

Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around and says. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.”

“Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”

An old math professor poses the following problem to one of his classes:

A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars to his heirs.

- One-fifth is to go to his son.
- One-fifth is to go to his daughter.
- One-sixth to his brother.
- and the rest to his wife.

Now, what does each person get?

After a very long silence in the classroom, someone in back raises his hand and says, “A lawyer?”

There is a deputy sheriff assigned to courthouse security.

As part of his job, he explains court procedures to visitors. One day, he was showing a group of ninth-graders around while on a field trip.

Court was in recess and only the clerk and a young man in custody wearing handcuffs were in the courtroom.

“This is where the judge sits,” the deputy explains to the students, pointing to the bench. “The lawyers sit at these tables. The court clerk sits over there. The court recorder, or stenographer, sits over here. Near the judge is the witness stand and over there is where the jury sits.”

“As you can see,” he finished, “there are a lot of people involved in making this system work.”

At that point, the prisoner raised his cuffed hands and said, “Yeah, but I’m the one who makes it all happen.”