A woman awoke in middle of the night and discovered her husband wasn’t in bed with her.

She got up and went downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of whiskey in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his whiskey.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she asks. “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looks up from his drink and says, “Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only sixteen?” he asks solemnly.

“Yes, I do,” she replies, fondly recalling her teenage romance.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”

“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, “Do you remember when he shoved the gun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for twenty years’?”

“I remember that, too,” she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today.”

Here are some helpful suggestions for dealing with these tough economic times…

DON’T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to “switch tracks,” think of another song you like and hum that instead.

DON’T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Just place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, just move it all back again.

SAVE money on expensive personalized car number plates by changing your name to match your existing plate. – Mr. KVL 741Y

DON’T waste money buying expensive binoculars; stand closer to the object you wish to view.

AN empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner’s hat.

HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of liquid soap for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping cart and the other in your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Just cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.

SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a cup of liquid laundry detergent and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to a local thrift store, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty cents.

OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, walk outside for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the benefit.

CAN’T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of plastic film and press them into your eyes.

WHY pay for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

WOMEN: Don’t waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn’t care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to vacuum the house afterward.

“My Next Life,” by Woody Allen

In my next life I want to live my life backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school.

You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last nine months floating in luxurious spa like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then, voila! You finish off as an orgasm!