Everyone is probably aware that hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

A student nurse was asked to take a discharged patient out of their room. The nurse went to the room and found an elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. He insisted that he didn’t need any help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the nurse wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, the nurse asked him if his wife was meeting him.

“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to his friend behind him, “My elbow has been killing me. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”

His friend replies, “Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money, There’s a diagnostic computer at the local clinic. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10 – a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So, somewhat skeptical, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the machine.

He deposits his $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout. It says: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks.”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Bob hurries back to the clinic, eager to check the results. Once gain, he deposits $10 and pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. With twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Four doctors were at a medical convention and discussing the state of medical science after hours at a local bar.

An Israeli doctor commented, “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.”

A German doctor said, “That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.”

A Russian doctor boasted, “In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, proclaimed: “You guys are way behind! We recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.”

An old redneck carried a younger man into a country doctor’s office.

The redneck deposited him on the examining table, and said, “See if you can patch him up, doc. His backside is shot up good, like it was a tail on a possum.”

“Who shot him?” asked the doctor.

“I did.” the redneck replied. “But do yer best, ‘cuz he’s my son-in-law.”

The doctor said, “Why in the world would you shoot your son-in-law?”

The redneck said, “Well, he warn’t my son-in-law when I shot him.”

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

“Breast fed,” the woman replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”