Men are not so complicated. Just look at the facts outlined below:

• The nice men are ugly.
• The handsome men are not nice.
• The handsome and nice men are gay.
• The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
• The men who are not so handsome, but are nice, have no money.
• The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think women are only after their money.
• The handsome men without money are after women’s money.
• The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don’t think women are beautiful enough.
• The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are pigs.
• The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and are actually heterosexual, are shy and never make the first move
• The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in when a woman takes the initiative.

Now … who in the world understands men?

A missionary gets sent into deepest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there.

He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!

One day, the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.

“You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn’t take a genius to work out what has been going on!”

The missionary replies: “No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence – what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”

The chief pauses for a moment then says “Tell you what, you don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the white child.”

A young Programmer and his Project Manager boarded a train headed through the mountains on their way to a business meeting.

They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”

The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him — hitting me instead.”

The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager on the same day!”

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give her away to the groom.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.

Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.

So he announced “Ladies and Gentlemen today is a wonderful day.”

Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, “My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.”

The whole audience including priest started laughing. But not the groom…

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of wine to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

The waiter took the wine to the woman and said, “This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.” and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

“I am a woman of very high standards. For me to accept this bottle, you would need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and seven inches in your pants.”

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. After composing his reply, he folded it up and handed it to the waiter for delivery to the lady.

His note read:

Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be, I Have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Carrera in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the bottle back.”

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief.

After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

“I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and….”

He is interrupted by the doctor, “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?”

“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”

“Well, I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.”

“Great!” says the patient. “But do you know how to cure it?”

“Yes,” explained the doctor. “This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she reached her climax, she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.”

Two weeks go by and the patient return for his checkup.

“Well, how do you feel?” asks the doctor.

“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home.”

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, “If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.”

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked. “Who are you?”

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

“Oh, yeah?” the man asked “And where the hell were you when I got married?”