A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year.

A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

“My love,” he wrote, “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings.”

“Besides that,” he continued. “we’re constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?”

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, “Why don’t you learn to play this?”

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife.

“Darling” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!”

She kissed him passionately and said, “First, let’s see you play that harmonica.”

Divorce Cake

There’s a cake for every occasion…..

Joe decides to take his boss Tom to play 9 holes on their lunch.

While both men are playing well, they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace.

Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. “Well…” Tom explains. “One of those women is my wife and the other my mistress,” complained Joe.

Tom just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. As he was nearing the women, he too stopped short and turned around and returned to Joe with an angry expression on his face.

Joe asked “What’s wrong?”

“It’s a small, small world, Joe.” said Tom “And you’re fired!”

A woman goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean, wishing her husband had been able to join her.

Upon arriving, she meets a very attractive, tall dark and handsome native, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, “What is your name?”

“I can’t tell you!” the native says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he will not tell her.

On her last night there she asks again, “Can you please tell me your name?”

“I can’t because you will make fun of my name!” the Islander says.

“There is no reason for me to laugh at you,” the lady says.

“Fine. My name is Snow” the man replies.

Upon hearing this, the woman bursts into laughter. The native gets mad and says, “I knew you would make fun of it.”

The lady replied, “No, it’s not what you think. It’s just my husband that won’t believe me when I tell him that I had ten inches of Snow every day while I was in the Caribbean.”

One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision.

He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different. Someone who could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. The Lord said he would call this being a woman.

So, St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord.

“Ah, Peter, once again you have done an excellent job,” said The Lord.

“Thank you, Great One,” replied St. Peter. “I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to this being, this .. woman. I require your assistance on this matter, Lord.”

“You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man’s,” said The Lord.

“The nerve endings,” said St. Peter. “How many will I put in her hands?”

“How many did we put in Adam?” asked The Lord.

“Two hundred, my Lord,” replied St. Peter.

“Then we shall do the same for this woman,” said The Lord.

“And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?” inquired St. Peter.

“How many did we put in Adam?” asked The Lord.

“Seventy five, my Lord,” replied St. Peter.

“Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet, so they benefit from having less nerve endings there. Do the same for woman,” said the Lord.

“How many nerve endings should we put in woman’s genitals?” inquired St. Peter.

“How many did we put in Adam?” asked The Lord.

“Four hundred and twenty, my Lord,” replied St. Peter.

“Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn’t we? Do the same for woman,” said The Lord.

“Yes, my Lord,” said St. Peter.

“No, wait,” said The Lord. “Screw it, give her ten thousand! I want her to scream my name!”

So now you know!

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip.

He didn’t do well and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they’d have to drastically alter their life-style.

The wife, accustomed to a luxurious lifestyle was concerned and asked “What kind of changes are we talking about?”

“Well,” he started out thoughtfully. “If you’ll just learn to cook, we can fire the chef.”

The wife was not happy hearing this and said “Okay, and if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener.”

At Saint Mary’s Catholic Church they have a weekly marriage counseling seminar for husbands.

During the session, the Priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I’ve a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”

The Priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”

Giuseppe proudly replied, “I’m agonna go get her.”