Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stuck.”

His friend said, “I have an idea! Why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled.”

Adam decided to take his friend’s advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”

“Yes, I did,” Adam replied.

“Did she like it?” his friend asked.

“Oh yes!” Adam said morosely. “She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling, ‘I’ll be back in an hour!!’”

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how he was doing.

The friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.

“Why all the attention?” the friend asked. “You look fine to me.”

“I know!” grinned the patient. “But the nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they heard that my circumcision required thirty-seven stitches.”

A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say “I love you,” even if explicitly asked to do so.

The only exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act of making love. Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words.

I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in the exception. When making love, I explained, men will say anything.

“He’d tell you he’s the Easter Bunny if that’s what he thinks you want to hear,” I told her. The conversation rattled on from there.

A couple of weeks later, she related the following: “We were in bed, making love and I said, ‘Tell me you love me’.”

He said, “I love you.”

I said, “Tell me you’re the Easter Bunny.”

He stopped for a second, and said, “I’m the Easter Bunny.”

“So I slapped him.”

The poor guy probably still doesn’t know what happened.

Each morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work.

For the past year a pretty hooker standing on the corner of Sunset gave him the eye as he passed. Of late, she took to showing him parts of what he would get if he stopped to pick her up.

Jake was a good husband and family man and didn’t want to cheat on his wife. However, lately the hooker was looking so tempting, he could not get her out of his mind.

After spending many sleepless nights, he went to consult a psychiatrist. He told the psychiatrist she was driving him crazy, he was married 25 years, and did not want to cheat on his wife.

“What should I do?” asked Jake.

The psychiatrist said, “Take Melrose Avenue.”

Could Columbus have discovered America if he were married?

NO

Because:

1. “Where are you going?
2. “With Whom?”
3. “To discover what?”
4. “Why only you?”
5. “What do I do, when you are not here?”
6. “Can I come?”
7. “When will you be back?”
8. “Will you be coming home for dinner?”
9. “What will you bring home for me?”

Columbus drops his plan…

10 Things Not to Say to your New Girlfriend’s Parents

10. Can I pull my car into your garage? I’m not sure how long at copy will stay lost.
9. There ain’t nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative. I bet Sara’s will be okay too.
8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn’t it?
7. Sara is so pretty. I’ve decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren’t very reliable in my opinion.
5. We’re going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.
4. Can you believe it? Those idiots at the corner market won’t cash my welfare check.
3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

An out-of-town visitor becomes friendly with Thelma, the waitress in his hotel coffee shop. After some innocent conversation he invites her up to his room.

Thelma is indignant and refuses.

The guy says, “Don’t get upset, this is all in the Bible.”

Thelma is somewhat appeased, but still refused the invitation. Instead, she agrees to see him for a few drinks. Again the man invites her up to his room, and again she is angry.

The man explains, “It’s in the Bible.”

An hour later they’re in the guy’s hotel room and he suggests they undress and have some fun. He assures Thelma that it isn’t sinful since it’s in the Bible.

“Where?” she says, not believing him. “Where does it say that?”

Taking the Bible from the hotel nightstand, he opens it to the front cover where someone has written, “Thelma the waitress is a great lay.”