Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other.

The questions/statements are listed in the following order: a. Dangerous, b. Safer, c. Safest, d. Ultra Safe

a. What’s for dinner?
b. Can I help you with dinner?
c. Where would you like to go for dinner?
d. Here, have some wine.

a. Are you wearing that?
b. You sure look good in brown!
c. WOW! Look at you!
d. Here, have some wine

a. What are you so worked up about?
b. Could we be overreacting?
c. Here’s my paycheck.
d. Here, have some wine.

a. Should you be eating that?
b. You know, there are a lot of apples left.
c. Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
d. Here, have some wine.

a. What did you DO all day?
b. I hope you didn’t over-do it today.
c. I’ve always loved you in that robe!
d. Here, have some wine.

A man and his Wife went to Holy Land for a vacation.

During the trip, the wife died. The coroner offered to have her buried in the Holy Land for $150 or he could have her remains shipped to home for $5,000.

After some thinking on it, the man said no.

The coroner said “Yes sir, I understand. I’m sure you’d like her remains to be near you so you can visit her grave site.”

The man said “No, that’s not it. A guy was buried here and he rose from dead in three days. I can’t take that chance… Send her back home.”

Two guys in a bar are talking about their wives.

“My wife is mad at me again,” says the first.

“Why?” asked the second.

“I was bombed at the bar across the street last night and she came looking for me.”

“What’d you do?” asked the other man.

“I asked her for her phone number.”

A man making the bar scene, was fairly intoxicated when he went into a popular night spot. The bartender refused to serve him and told him he should go home.

“My wife will kill me.” the main complained.

“Take her some candy.” the bartender suggested.

“She is on a diet.” he said.

“Then take her some flowers.” said the bartender.

The main continued complaining, stating “She has allergies.”

“Tell her a poem.” said the bartender.

“She loves poems… But I don’t know any.” said the man.

“Here is one for you. It’s by Shakespeare:”

You Babylonian Witch
Blue Eyes and Ruby lips
Beneath Thine eyes Passion lies
And that’s what maketh my Passion rise.

The man said “I can handle that.”

So, walking home the man was reciting to himself the poem. When he gets home he is unable to find his keys. So he knocks on the door.

“You better not have been drinking!” his wife shouts through the door.

“Sweetness, I have a poem for you!”

“It had better be good.” said the wife without much hope.

The man starts to recite the poem…

You Babylonian Bitch…
Blue Eyes and Purple Tits.
Between Your Thighs a Pussy Lies
And that’s what makes my Pecker rise.

A man went to a lingerie shop and asked for a bra….

“What size, sir?” asked the salesgirl.

“I’m sorry I don’t know what the size is.” The man said. “Please show me a big cup bra.”

The salesgirl thought about it and brought a 36C bra.

“Oh no! this is very small, please show me a bigger one.” the man said.

This time the salesgirl took out a 40D and a 42DD.

“No, this is small… please show me a bigger one.” the man said.

An idea flashed in the mind of the salesgirl. “Sir, something like the size of melons?”

The man said, “Well I cannot compare it with melons or water melons.”

The shop’s biggest available size 50DD was shown.

The man just saw the cups and said. “Please a bit larger than that.”

Now the girl had a big huge lady in her mind and very politely asked the man, “Sir, you wife must be very heavy.”

“No, that’s not the case; she is very skinny — as thin as a reed.” the man said.

“Your big girlfriend, then?” chuckled the salesgirl.

“No, I do not have a girlfriend.” the man said, somewhat annoyed at the assumption.

“Can I ask a very personal question sir?” inquired the salesgirl.

“Please…” said the man.

“For whom are you buying the bra?” she asked.

“Well, I really am not interested in the bra. I’m only interested in the bra cups.” the man replied.

“Bra cups?” said the confused salesgirl.

“Actually you know that winter is approaching and I have six small kids. I cannot afford much, so I thought I’ll buy big bras to make caps for my six children.”

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. Fire the cannons.
18. Would you like fries with that?
17. The hotdog rolled out of the bun.
16. Can we get channel 18384005432?
15. The motherload just left the cargo bay.
14. Beam it back in Scotty.
13. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…
12. Is it housebroken?
11. The pea pea has left the pod pod.
10. Elvis has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me locked himself out.
8. Put your joystick back by the console.
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Should we plug you in?
5. Is it a Democrat or a Republican?
4. Put the pickle back in the jar.
3. It’s dead Jim!
2. I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

And the number one way to tell someone their fly is unzipped:

1. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

“Get this.” said a man to his friends at the bar, “Last night while I was here with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.”

“Did he get anything?” his friends asked.

“Yeah, a broken jaw, two teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts.” he said.

“How did that happen?!” his friends asked.

“The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.”