“Get this.” said a man to his friends at the bar, “Last night while I was here with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.”
“Did he get anything?” his friends asked.
“Yeah, a broken jaw, two teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts.” he said.
“How did that happen?!” his friends asked.
“The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.”
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.
How do men define a “50/50″ relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”
How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he’s concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift to women?
Exchange him.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don’t fit right in the crotch!
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What’s a man’s idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What’s the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What’s the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What’s the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot’s been spotted a several times.
What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
“My wife says…”
What’s the quickest way to a man’s heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
Because they’re all pigs.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn’t want any advice.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you’re always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They already have boyfriends.
He does not have a “Beer Gut.”
He has developed a “Liquid Grain Storage Facility.”
He is not a “Bad Dancer.”
He is “Overly Caucasian.”
He does not “Get Lost All The Time.”
He “Investigates Alternative Destinations.”
He is not “Balding.”
He is in “Follicle Regression.”
He is not a “Cradle Robber.”
He prefers “Generationally Differential Relationships.”
He does not get “Falling Down Drunk.”
He becomes “Accidentally Horizontal.”
He does not act like a “Total Ass.”
He develops a case of “Rectal-Anal Inversion.”
He is not a “Sex Machine.”
He is “Romantically Automated.”
He is not a “Male Chauvinist Pig.”
He has “Swine Empathy.”
He is not “Afraid of Commitment.”
He is “Monogamously Challenged.”
He does not “Undress Your With His Eyes.”
He has an “Introspective Graphic Moment.”
Here are some helpful translations of common “guy sayings” for those who may be a bit confused:
“It’s a guy thing.”
Means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“Can I help with dinner?”
Means: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
“Uh huh,” “Sure, Honey,” or “Yes, Dear”
Means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
“It would take too long to explain.”
Means: “I have no idea how it works.”
“I was listening to you. It’s just that I have a lot of things on my mind.”
Means: “That girl standing on the corner is a real babe.”
“Take a break, Honey. You’re working too hard.”
Means: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“That’s interesting, dear.”
Means: “Are you still talking?”
“You know how bad my memory is.”
Means: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary.”
“I was just thinking about you, so I got these roses.”
Means: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
“Oh, don’t fuss – I just cut myself. It’s no big deal.”
Means: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”
“I can’t find it.”
Means: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
“What did I do this time?”
Means: “What did you catch me at?”
“I heard you.”
Means: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.”
“You know I could never love anyone else.”
Means: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”
“You look terrific.”
Means: “Oh, please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”
“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
Means: “No one will ever see us alive again.”
The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.
This is due to the fact that:
• 40% of the time, it’s just hanging around unemployed…
• 30% of the time, it’s hard up…
• 20% of the time, it’s pissed off…
and
• 10% of the time, it’s in the hole…
It has two dependents, but they’re both nuts…
Starting next year, penises will be taxed according to size. The tax brackets are as follows:
• 10″-12″ … Luxury Tax
• 8″-10″ … Pole Tax
• 5″-8″ … Privilege Tax
• 4″-5″ … Nuisance Tax
Males exceeding 12″ must file under Capital Gains.
Anyone under 4″ is eligible for a Refund.
Please do not ask for an extension.
Issues still under consideration by the IRS are as follows:
• Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
• Do multiple partners count as a Corporation?
• Are condoms deductible as work clothes?
There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen and an Australian.
All are at the urinals.
The first Englishman zips up and walks over to the sink and uses a lot of soap and water. Before he leaves, he says to the others, “In Yorkshire, I learned to be clean and neat.”
The second Englishman zips up, walks over to the sink and uses much less soap and water but is still very clean. He says, “At Bredford Academy, I learned to be clean and neat but still be environmentally aware.”
The third man zips up and heads straight to the door. The Aussie says over his shoulder, “In Australia, we learn not to piss on our hands.”
