George was late for an important meeting.

He was driving around in a sweat because he couldn’t find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my drinking!”

Immediately, a parking place appeared.

George looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

A murder had been committed.

Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.

The detective asks, “Sir, is that your wife?”

“Yes.”

“Did you hit her with that golf club?”

“Yes. Yes, I did,” the man answers slowly. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

“How many times did you hit her?”

“I don’t know. Four… five… six — put me down for a four.”

Here’s a look at ten things women say that drive men nuts.

1. “That looks cute.”
   For the most part, men hate cute. We don’t want to hear about it, we don’t want to see it, and we sure as hell don’t want to be it. If we come down stairs after getting dressed and you tell us we look cute, there’s a 100 percent chance we’re changing. We’re supposed to be your protector, your rock, and cute does not fit into that picture.
    
2. “We need to talk.”
   These four words shut off a man’s brain faster than long division. When men hear you say that they immediately go into flight mode. And anything they can do to get out of this conversation—and better yet, your apartment—they will. There are plenty of other ways to approach a delicate conversation, and getting us in a place where we feel comfortable is a good start.
    
3. “It’s just a game.”
   Actually, it’s not just a game. Sports are a major part of our lives and the outcome has as much to do with our mood as just about anything else. Is it fair? No. Is it right? No. Is it immature? Maybe. But it’s life. Sometimes we just care too much. We understand that it doesn’t make sense, but you should be happy that we’re that passionate about something. Telling us that “it’s just a game” is like us telling you that Oprah’s just a talk show host.
    
4. “Nothing’s wrong.”
   Please don’t tell us nothing’s wrong. The look on your face could make the toughest guy on the planet weep like a third-grade girl and your arms are crossed so tight you might explode. We’re not mind readers; tell us what’s going on. And don’t make us guess because—believe me—you won’t like what we come up with.
    
5. “I sound like my mom.”
   The mere fact that you might turn into your mom someday scares the hell out of us. Don’t say it, even in jest — it’s not funny. We actually believe (and pray) that the saying “every woman ends up looking like their mother” is an old wives’ tale. If we didn’t, no one would ever get married.
    
6. “I just want to be friends.”
   No you don’t. You just want us to stop calling you. This is a lot like pulling off a band-aid. Do it quick—don’t prolong the agony. Most of us take “I just want to be friends” as “There’s still a chance,” so if there isn’t just make it a clean break and move on. Everyone will be much better because of it.
    
7. “Size doesn’t matter.”
   Don’t lie to us. We know it does, and we’re doing our best to make up for it in other ways. It’s best just to not say anything at all.
    
8. “What are you wearing?”
   We’re wearing whatever is clean or whatever you tell us to. We don’t plan out our wardrobe days in advance, but we do actually try and look presentable. It may not work a lot of the time, but we do give it a shot. Giving us direction is completely encouraged though, so go ahead and suggest … nicely.
    
9. “Do you think she’s pretty?”
   Of course we do, our standards are much lower than yours. But just because we check her out doesn’t mean we think any less of you. We try to be as discreet as possible, but for the most part, we can’t help it. It’s in our DNA. When an attractive woman walks by, it’s best to just pretend nothing happened. And if you don’t want to hear the answer — don’t ask the question.
    
10. “Which outfit do you like better?”
    I’m going to be honest here — 90 percent of the guys out there are not going to tell you which outfit they like better: They’re going to try to pick the one you like better and not get into a holy war when the babysitter is due any minute. To us, you always look good. Getting a couple cocktails and spending as much time as we can without the kids is our ultimate goal for a rare night out.

This is what the boss get’s when he tries to motivate employees that are already overworked.

In the men’s room at work. the boss placed a sign directly above the sink.

It had a single word on it:

THINK

The next day. when he went to the men’s room, he noticed someone had removed his sign and placed a new one just above the soap dispenser:

THOAP

Isn’t it fun working with a bunch of smartasses?

A poll was conducted to determine whether men prefer women with large thighs or women with thin thighs.

The results were pretty surprising:

Ten percent of the men preferred women with thin thighs.

Ten percent of those men surveyed preferred women with large tits.

And the other 80 percent preferred what’s in between.

Go figure…

The following are five important rules to ensure a happy and fulfilled life for men:

1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

A truckload of deer hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer’s yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on his land.

The old farmer said, “Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That mule over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don’t have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?”

The hunter said, “Sure” and headed for the car.

Walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his deer hunting buddies.

He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer said it was OK, he said, “No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old cuss a lesson.”

With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his rifle out and blasted the mule. Then he exclaimed, “There, that will teach him!”

A second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his deer hunting buddies shouted, “I got his cow, lets get out of here!!!”