A mother discovered her young daughter playing doctor with a neighbor boy.

The mother was furious. She grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.

“It’s only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age.” the boy’s mother said.

“‘Only natural?’ I don’t think you understand what was happening.” the irate mother said.

“What?” the boy’s mother asks. “You said they were playing doctor.”

“He took out her appendix!” yelled the girl’s mother.

Judy got married and had 13 children.

Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy again, remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

“Lord, they are finally together.”

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

“Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?”

Margaret replied:….

“I think he means her legs, Ethel…”

A woman got onto a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman gives him a nasty look then goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “You shouldn’t let him get away with that.”

She nodded her head in response.

“You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Two children told their mother to stay in bed one Mother’s Day morning because they were going to make breakfast.

As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

“It’s our surprise for you for Mother’s Day!” one explained, “We decided to cook our own breakfast.”

A young boy was looking through the family album.

He came across an old picture of his mother and a man.

Curious, he asked her “Who’s this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?”

His mother replied, “That’s your father.”

The boy thought for a moment and asked “Then who’s that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?”

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.”

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am”, he said, “I’ve come to…”

“Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, “I’ve been expecting you.”

“Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?”

“Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”

After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”

“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!”

“Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

“My, that’s a lot,” gasped Mrs. Smith.

“Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.”

“Don’t I know it,” said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus,” he said.

“Oh, my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”

“She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.

“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.”

“Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

“Yes,” the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?”

“It’s true, Ma’am, yes. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod and we can get to work right away.”

“Tripod?”

“Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.”

Mrs. Smith fainted

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had be knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded up against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on counter, the fridge door was wide open, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today??”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes…” he replied cautiously.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”