A mother was complaining about having to go to the athletic supply store to buy an athletic cup for her young son, who was seven years old and just starting the soccer league.

The man behing the counter asked her “What size is he?”

The mother shrugged and held up her thumb and index finger about an inch apart and said, “He’s about this big.”

The man behind the counter shook his head and said, “No, ma’am. What is his waist size?”

A man went to a nursing home to visit his mother. When he arrived, she was taking a nap, so he sat down in a chair in her room, flipped through a few magazines, and munched on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, his mother wakes up, and the son realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts. “I’m so sorry, mother, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!”

“That’s okay, dear,” the mother replied. “After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway.”

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, “Momma, how come all of grandma’s hairs are white?”

For all the Mothers Who Always Know Best……

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning!”

My mother taught me RELIGION:
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

My mother taught me LOGIC:
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

My mother taught me IRONY:
“Keep laughing and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
“Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
“You’ll sit there ’til all that spinach is finished.”

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
“It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
“If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?”

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times – Don’t exaggerate!!!”

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
“Stop acting like your father!”

My mother taught me about ENVY:
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”

Thanks, Mom!