Here are a few peeves that dogs have about humans … from the dog’s point of view.

1. Blaming your farts on me….not funny. Not funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking. I’m a freakin’ dog, you idiot. And if you want quiet, stop making noise yourself.
3. Taking me for a walk and not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Just stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooo, what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back! Now really, can you blame me?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello? Haven’t you noticed the fur? Don’t be ridiculous.
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You’re just jealous. Admit it.

Now lay off me on some of these things, We both know who’s boss here! You don’t see me picking up your poop do you?

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter.

One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around.

“Mother Mole!” He called back down the hole. “Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!”

The mother mole ran up and squeezed out the hole next to him. “That’s not honey, that’s maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!”

The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. “I can’t smell anything down here but molasses…”

A man walks into a bar and shouts “Who owns the Saint Bernard outside?”

A man replied, “It’s mine. Why?”

The first man says “I’m sorry to have to tell you but my dog just killed it!”

The owner of the Saint Bernard was shocked, “Are you kidding me? My dog is huge! He’s as big as a car! What dog do you have?”

“My dog is a Chihuahua.”

“How can your Chihuahua kill my Saint Bernard?” asked the owner of the Saint Bernard.

“Your dog choked on him.”

While robbing a home, a burglar hears someone say, “Jesus is watching you.”

To his relief, he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something it had heard.

The burglar asks the parrot, “What’s your name?”

The parrot says, “Moses.”

The burglar goes on to ask, “What kind of a person names their parrot Moses?”

The parrot replies, “The same kind of person that names his Rottweiler Jesus.”

The following Rules of Etiquette are particularly useful for inexperienced cats:

1. If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good!
2. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won’t dare push you off and will even call you “nice kitty.” If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better. Also, try to shed.
3. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast with your own.
4. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
5. For guests who say, “I love kitties,” be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
6. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
7. If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
8. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
9. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table — pens, pencils, stamps — one at a time.
10. Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2am and 4am.