As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:

PILOT – Bejeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT – Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy.

PILOT – Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus!

CO-PILOT – Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy!!

PILOT – Right, Shamus, when I say ‘go’ put de engine in reverse!!

CO-PILOT – Royt, I’ll do dat!!

PILOT – An den ya put de flaps down!!

CO-PILOT – Royt, I’ll do dat, too!!

PILOT – An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad!!

CO-PILOT – I’m prayin already, but I’ll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul.

The brakes screeched, the tires squealed,and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop a few meters from the end of the runway!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure,

Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, “Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!”

Shamus replied, “Aye, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?”

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.

Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!”

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked. “Why not?”

She replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

“Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona.

It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing about 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour. It scattered white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.”

A lady then exclaimed, “Wow, look! It just missed the highway!”

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The dog handler says to the first man, “Don’t mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work.”

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, “Watch this.”

He tells the dog, “Rover, search.”

The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler’s arm.

He says, “Good boy”, and turns to the first man and says, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.”

“Fantastic!” replies the first man, very impressed with the dog’s talents.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler’s arm.

He says, “Good boy”, and turns to the first man and says, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of this, and the seat number.”

“That’s marvelous, I’ve never seen anything like it!” says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and poops all over the place.

The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks “What the heck is going on?”

The handler replies, “He’s just found a bomb!”

An airplane takes off from the airport.

The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together and it’s obvious by the silence that they’re not comfortable with each other.

After thirty minutes of silence, the Jewish Captain speaks, “I don’t like Chinese.”

The First Officer replies, “Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?”

The Captain says, “You bombed Pearl Harbor. That’s why I don’t like Chinese.”

The First Officer says, “Nooooo, noooo……. Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.”

And the Captain answers, “Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese… It doesn’t matter, they’re all alike.”

Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the First Officer says, “No like Jew.”

The Captain replies, “Why not? Why don’t you like Jews?”

The First Officer says, “Jews sink Titanic.”

The Captain tries to correct him, “No, no. The Jews didn’t sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.”

The First Officer replies, “Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah. All same.”

Passengers on a small plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They’re getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them the pilots will be there soon, and then the flight can take off.

Finally the entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots’ uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a white cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane really is in good hands.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, “You know Jim, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die.”

“Flight 243,” says the control tower “Turn right 45 degrees left for noise reduction.”

“Roger,” replies the captain “But we’re at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make?”

“Sir,” starts the control tower, “Have you ever heard how much noise there is when a 727 hits a 747?”