George Phillips, an old retired man, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked him, “Is someone in your house?”

He said,”No, but they are stealing from me.”

They said, “All patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.”

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, a Sergeant, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ house and caught the burglars red-handed.

After things settled down a bit, one of the officers said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “And I thought you said there was nobody available.”

Moral of the story: Don’t mess with old people.

A policeman was testifying in court. He was being cross examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman’s credibility….

Q: “Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?”
A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”

Q: “Officer — who provided this description?”
A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”

Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?”
A: “Yes, sir. With my life.”

Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”
A: “Yes sir, we do.”

Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”
A: “Yes sir, I do.”

Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”
A: “Yes sir.”

Q: “Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?”
A: “You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a recess was called.

What Are The Best Excuses to Use With Cops?

Here’s what I’ve got so far….

1. I was on my way to bring you donuts.
2. I didn’t want to be late getting home in time to watch cops.
3. I thought you wanted to race.
4. My girlfriend is pregnant and my wife just found out.
5. That light can’t be red if you’re too drunk to see it.
6. I was afraid you weren’t a real cop.
7. I thought you were bringing my wife back to me.
8. My wife didn’t want to be late and she out ranks you.
9. I knew there was a speed trap there and I wanted to get through it as quickly as possible.
10. I really had to take a dump. (This didn’t work with the cop but worked with the judge.)
11. I ran outta beer and I wanted to pick us both up a couple of 6 packs before the store closed.
12. Because this babe Ms.(read officers name tag) just called and said her husband was gone but she had the handcuffs so hurry up.
13. I’m driving a Toyota and the gas pedal is stuck.
14. uhh… no speaky engrish ocifer… korea!
15. I was speeding, I’m not gonna lie. But how fast were you going to catch up to me?

Have another one? Feel free to add your own excuses to the list!

Bacon County Sheriff

These guys make it too easy.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

“Quiet!” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say…”

“And I said be quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you, the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding so he’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the guy in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water…” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.

He pulls the guy over and says “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”

The guy says “OK,” and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the same guy and he’s still driving around with the truck full of penguins. But now, all the penguins are wearing sun glasses.

He pulls the guy over and demands “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday.”

The guy replies, “I did. We had so much fun, today I’m taking them to the beach!”