An old man was lying on his death bed.
He was a life-long Democrat and in these last moments of his life, he decided to join the Republican Party.
His friend of many years was surprised and asked him, “But why? You’re a Democrat through and through. How can you change now?”
The old man leaned forward and explained, “Well, I’d rather it was one of them that died and not one of us.”
A New Zealander was hoping to immigrate to Australia.
Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer who asked him, “What is your business in Australia?”
“I wish to immigrate,” was the Kiwi’s reply.
The customs officer then asked, “Do you have a conviction record?”
Confused, the Kiwi then replied, “I didn’t think you still needed one.”
These are handy sentences to know when traveling in Muslim countries:
“AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.”
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
“FEKR GABUL GARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.”
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
“SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE.”
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
“AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.”
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
“FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN.”
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
“KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRIKAHEY.”
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies traveling as reporters.
“BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!”
Whatever you say!
“MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.”
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
“TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELLEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.”
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.”
The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
The reporter says, “Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”
The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”
The journalist nods and goes on his way.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
A smaller crocodile turned to a bigger crocodile and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”
“Well,” said the big Croc, “what have you been eating?”
“Politicians, same as you,” replied the small Croc.
“Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?”
“Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.”
“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?”
“Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ‘em!”
“Ah!’ says the big Crocodile, “I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.”
Four boys were fishing. As their boat rounded a point on the lake, they saw a man thrashing in the water.
With no hesitation, they jumped into the water and saved him. It was not until they pulled him to shore that they noticed the man they had saved was Former President George Bush, who had slipped away from the Secret Service for a swim.
When President Bush caught his breath, he thanked the boys and offered them anything they wanted in return for saving his life.
The first boy thought about it for a while and finally answered. “I would like a presidential appointment to West Point so I can serve my country.” The next two thought that was a great idea, but one said he had always wanted to be a pilot so he would rather attend the Air Force Academy. The third boy chose the Naval Academy.
The president turned to the fourth boy, who was still thinking. Finally he answered, “Mr. President, I would like a burial with honors at Arlington National Cemetery.”
The president was shocked and asked the boy why he would make such a request at his young age.
The boy replied “Because when my father finds out I saved you, he is going to kill me!”
Four doctors were at a medical convention and discussing the state of medical science after hours at a local bar.
An Israeli doctor commented, “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.”
A German doctor said, “That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.”
A Russian doctor boasted, “In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, proclaimed: “You guys are way behind! We recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.”
