Indian Chief Two Eagles was asked by a white U.S. government official, “You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.”

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied, “When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spends all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.”

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, “Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”

She is not a BABE or a CHICK.
She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER.
She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY.
She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT.
She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB.
She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND.
She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not GET YOU EXCITED.
She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She is not KINKY.
She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

She does not have a KILLER BODY.
She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She is not an AIRHEAD.
She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY.
She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY.
She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS.
She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU.
She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT.
She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS.
She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE.
She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble.

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. Yes, on an airplane.

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman’s (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.”

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.”

He hung up.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, “Don’t lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!”

4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife (Landra Reid) who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?”

I said, “No.”

She said, “But they look so close on the map.”

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.”

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?”

I said, “No, why do you ask?”

He replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!”

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Alabama who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?”

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?”

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, “Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

11. Mary Landrieu La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.”

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”

“Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, “I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a rhino anywhere.”

The man retorted, “Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!”

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?”

The reply? “Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it’s in! Yes, they walk among us, are in politics, and they continue to breed. Worse than that, people have voted for them.

Some of my favorite George W. Bush Quotes:

“I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.”
   — Nashville, TN, May 27, 2004

“Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that
the illiteracy level of our children are appalling.”
   — Washington, DC, Jan 23, 2004

“Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat.”
   — Washington, DC, Sep 17, 2004

“I want to thank the astronauts who are with us, the courageous spacial entrepreneurs who set such a wonderful example for the young of our country.”
   — Washington, DC Jan 14, 2004

“We will make sure our troops have all that is necessary to complete their missions. That’s why I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental – supplemental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel.”
   — Erie, PA, Sep 4, 2004

“I hear there’s rumors on the Internets that we’re going to have a draft.”
   — Second Presidential debate, St. Louis, MO, Oct 8, 2004

“Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country.”
   — Poplar Bluff, MO, Sep 6, 2004

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
   — Washington, DC, Aug 5, 2004

If you have more, post a comment!

An Arab was plodding through the desert, desperate for water. After hours of the tortuous heat, he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Arab shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”

“OK,” said the old Jewish man, “it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

“Your brother won’t let me in without a tie!”

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in a creek below.

Before his security detail, three kids who were fishing nearby, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, “I sure would like to go to Disneyland.”

George said, “No problem. I’ll arrange the trip for your whole family for a week”

The second kid said, “I’d really like a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.”

George said, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”

The third kid said, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!”

George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, “But you don’t look like you are injured.”

The kid says, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!”

An old man was lying on his death bed.

He was a life-long Democrat and in these last moments of his life, he decided to join the Republican Party.

His friend of many years was surprised and asked him, “But why? You’re a Democrat through and through. How can you change now?”

The old man leaned forward and explained, “Well, I’d rather it was one of them that died and not one of us.”