Two friends were hanging out in a Western bar.
One decided to try the Bucking Bronco machine. He managed to hang on for ten minutes.
His buddy was impressed. “Wow!” he exclaimed, “That was sure something!”
“It was easy,” his friend said modestly. “I get lots of practice… My wife’s an epileptic.”
After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, “Miss, would y’all give me a piece of ass?”
She looked him over, smiled and said, “Sure, why not? It’s pretty slow here right now, so let’s go!”
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, “Will there be anything else?”
“Yes,” replied the tourist. “Where ah come from in Arkansas, we lack our bourbon ‘n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink.”
Almost every one of these is going to be offensive to someone. But that’s what makes them funny!
Q. What’s the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they’re not going to work in the future either.
Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.
Q. Why do Driver’s Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Education class uses it.
Q. What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the ‘F’ word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”
Q. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, “Once upon a time…” and a southern fairytale begins, “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit.”
Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.
A Blonde social worker from a big city recently transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia.
She was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the smallest cabin she had ever seen.
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. “Anybody home?” she asked.
“Yep,” came a kid’s voice through the door.
“Is your father there?” asked the social worker.
“Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,” said the kid.
“Well, is your mother there?” persisted the social worker.
“Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,” said the kid.
“But,” protested the social worker, “are you never together as a family?”
“Sure, but not here,” said the kid through the door, “this is our outhouse!”
Here’s the latest invention from the deep south:
Redneck Wind Chimes
A truckload of deer hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer’s yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on his land.
The old farmer said, “Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That mule over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don’t have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?”
The hunter said, “Sure” and headed for the car.
Walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his deer hunting buddies.
He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer said it was OK, he said, “No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old cuss a lesson.”
With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his rifle out and blasted the mule. Then he exclaimed, “There, that will teach him!”
A second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his deer hunting buddies shouted, “I got his cow, lets get out of here!!!”
