Dear Billy Joe Bob,

I’m writting this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven’t seen it since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Your Favorite Aunt

There were two rednecks walking toward each other down the street. One of them was carrying a sack.

When they met up, the other redneck asked, “Whatcha got in that there sack?”

The redneck with the sack replied, “Just some chickins.”

The other redneck said, “If I guess how many chickins there are in that there sack, can I have one?”

The redneck with he sack answered, “I’ll give ya both of ‘em if you get it right.”

So, the other redneck thought and thought, and he finally said, “Five?”

Bubba’s sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins – a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “Oh, no! Not Bubba; he’s an idiot!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise,” the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks, “Wow! That’s a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother.”

“I really like the name Denise.”

Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?”

The doctor replies, “Denephew.”

A new invention: The Redneck Ceiling Fan.

Available in stores now.

An old redneck carried a younger man into a country doctor’s office.

The redneck deposited him on the examining table, and said, “See if you can patch him up, doc. His backside is shot up good, like it was a tail on a possum.”

“Who shot him?” asked the doctor.

“I did.” the redneck replied. “But do yer best, ‘cuz he’s my son-in-law.”

The doctor said, “Why in the world would you shoot your son-in-law?”

The redneck said, “Well, he warn’t my son-in-law when I shot him.”

A professor at the University of Arkansas is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve seen a ghost.”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

Fifteen students raise their hands.

“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

Bubba The Redneck way in the back raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he reached the front of the room, the professor says, “Well, so tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”

To which Bubba The Redneck replied, “Shiiiiiit!!!. From way back thar I thought you said ‘Goats’!!”