A man and his wife were celebrating their fortieth wedding anniversary.

The wife says to her husband, “We’ve been married so long, sweetheart, I hope you feel you can ask me anything you want. After all this time I want us to be completely open in our relationship.”

The husband replies, “Okay, there is one thing that has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven’t had the courage to ask before…but I have noticed that all six of our children look similar to one another except one. I can’t figure out how he got to look so different. Does he have a different father than the rest?”

The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, “yes. Yes he did have a different father.”

Her husband was taken aback. “Oh! Okay, I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child’s father?”

Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed, and after a long silence she said simply, “You.”

Men are not so complicated. Just look at the facts outlined below:

• The nice men are ugly.
• The handsome men are not nice.
• The handsome and nice men are gay.
• The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
• The men who are not so handsome, but are nice, have no money.
• The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think women are only after their money.
• The handsome men without money are after women’s money.
• The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don’t think women are beautiful enough.
• The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are pigs.
• The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and are actually heterosexual, are shy and never make the first move
• The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in when a woman takes the initiative.

Now … who in the world understands men?

The following are five important rules to ensure a happy and fulfilled life for men:

1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Walter arrived at his office late one morning and was greeted with giggles from the pretty young receptionist.

“What are you laughing at?” asked Walter.

“There’s a big black smudge on your face,” said the girl.

“Oh, that!” said Walter. “I can explain… I saw my wife off on a two-week vacation this morning; I took her to the station and kissed her good-bye.”

“But what about the black smudge?”

“As soon as she got on board, I ran up and kissed the engine.”

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, “If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.”

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked. “Who are you?”

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

“Oh, yeah?” the man asked “And where the hell were you when I got married?”

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously downing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

“Lou,” says the shocked friend, “what are you doing? I’ve known you for over fifteen years, and I’ve never seen you take a drink before. What’s going on?”

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, “My wife just ran off with my best friend.”

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

“But,” says the other man, “I’m your best friend!”

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs,

“Not anymore! … He is!”

1. You know, I’ve been complaining a lot lately. I don’t blame you for ignoring me.
2. I know I’m sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!
3. This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.
4. Don’t get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wet spot.
5. Don’t dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.
6. That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?
7. I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby-sitter Tracy.
8. You’re my daddy! You’re my daddy!
9. The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
10. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!
11. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they’ll still cover.
12. Bar food again!? Kick ass!
13. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
14. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I’m gonna go over and talk to her.
15. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
16. I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine’s day gift!
17. Let’s just leave the toilet seat “up” all the time, then you don’t have to mess with it anymore.
18. 18. I’ve decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want ‘em?
19. It’s only the third quarter, you should order another pitcher.
20. Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of Cindy’s bare ass!
21. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.
22. I’m so happy with my new hairstyle, I don’t think I’ll ever change it again.
23. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya’ big silly!
24. You are so much smarter than my father.
25. If we’re not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.