Each morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work.

For the past year a pretty hooker standing on the corner of Sunset gave him the eye as he passed. Of late, she took to showing him parts of what he would get if he stopped to pick her up.

Jake was a good husband and family man and didn’t want to cheat on his wife. However, lately the hooker was looking so tempting, he could not get her out of his mind.

After spending many sleepless nights, he went to consult a psychiatrist. He told the psychiatrist she was driving him crazy, he was married 25 years, and did not want to cheat on his wife.

“What should I do?” asked Jake.

The psychiatrist said, “Take Melrose Avenue.”

Could Columbus have discovered America if he were married?

NO

Because:

1. “Where are you going?
2. “With Whom?”
3. “To discover what?”
4. “Why only you?”
5. “What do I do, when you are not here?”
6. “Can I come?”
7. “When will you be back?”
8. “Will you be coming home for dinner?”
9. “What will you bring home for me?”

Columbus drops his plan…

10 Things Not to Say to your New Girlfriend’s Parents

10. Can I pull my car into your garage? I’m not sure how long at copy will stay lost.
9. There ain’t nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative. I bet Sara’s will be okay too.
8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn’t it?
7. Sara is so pretty. I’ve decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren’t very reliable in my opinion.
5. We’re going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.
4. Can you believe it? Those idiots at the corner market won’t cash my welfare check.
3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea.

Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly.

“You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea.” she exclaimed.

The widow replied, “Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was.”

Cheating

Oddly enough, most men in this situation wouldn’t know whether to be pissed off or incredibly turned on.

Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other.

The questions/statements are listed in the following order: a. Dangerous, b. Safer, c. Safest, d. Ultra Safe

a. What’s for dinner?
b. Can I help you with dinner?
c. Where would you like to go for dinner?
d. Here, have some wine.

a. Are you wearing that?
b. You sure look good in brown!
c. WOW! Look at you!
d. Here, have some wine

a. What are you so worked up about?
b. Could we be overreacting?
c. Here’s my paycheck.
d. Here, have some wine.

a. Should you be eating that?
b. You know, there are a lot of apples left.
c. Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
d. Here, have some wine.

a. What did you DO all day?
b. I hope you didn’t over-do it today.
c. I’ve always loved you in that robe!
d. Here, have some wine.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her nine year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home.

She puts her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

“I have a baseball.” said the boy.

“That’s nice.”

The boy asks, “Want to buy it?”

“No, thanks.” the man says.

“My dad’s outside.” the boy said.

“OK, how much?”

“$250.” says the boy.

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

“Yes, it is.”

“I have a baseball glove.” said the boy.

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

The boy says, “$750.”

“Sold.” says the man.

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and play catch.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The boy said “A $1,000?”

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that again. You’re in my closet now.”