A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year.

A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

“My love,” he wrote, “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings.”

“Besides that,” he continued. “we’re constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?”

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, “Why don’t you learn to play this?”

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife.

“Darling” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!”

She kissed him passionately and said, “First, let’s see you play that harmonica.”

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment, Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”

The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”

Divorce Cake

There’s a cake for every occasion…..

Joe decides to take his boss Tom to play 9 holes on their lunch.

While both men are playing well, they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace.

Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. “Well…” Tom explains. “One of those women is my wife and the other my mistress,” complained Joe.

Tom just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. As he was nearing the women, he too stopped short and turned around and returned to Joe with an angry expression on his face.

Joe asked “What’s wrong?”

“It’s a small, small world, Joe.” said Tom “And you’re fired!”

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip.

He didn’t do well and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they’d have to drastically alter their life-style.

The wife, accustomed to a luxurious lifestyle was concerned and asked “What kind of changes are we talking about?”

“Well,” he started out thoughtfully. “If you’ll just learn to cook, we can fire the chef.”

The wife was not happy hearing this and said “Okay, and if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener.”

At Saint Mary’s Catholic Church they have a weekly marriage counseling seminar for husbands.

During the session, the Priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I’ve a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”

The Priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”

Giuseppe proudly replied, “I’m agonna go get her.”

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stuck.”

His friend said, “I have an idea! Why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled.”

Adam decided to take his friend’s advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?”

“Yes, I did,” Adam replied.

“Did she like it?” his friend asked.

“Oh yes!” Adam said morosely. “She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling, ‘I’ll be back in an hour!!’”