Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other.

The questions/statements are listed in the following order: a. Dangerous, b. Safer, c. Safest, d. Ultra Safe

a. What’s for dinner?
b. Can I help you with dinner?
c. Where would you like to go for dinner?
d. Here, have some wine.

a. Are you wearing that?
b. You sure look good in brown!
c. WOW! Look at you!
d. Here, have some wine

a. What are you so worked up about?
b. Could we be overreacting?
c. Here’s my paycheck.
d. Here, have some wine.

a. Should you be eating that?
b. You know, there are a lot of apples left.
c. Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
d. Here, have some wine.

a. What did you DO all day?
b. I hope you didn’t over-do it today.
c. I’ve always loved you in that robe!
d. Here, have some wine.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her nine year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home.

She puts her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

“I have a baseball.” said the boy.

“That’s nice.”

The boy asks, “Want to buy it?”

“No, thanks.” the man says.

“My dad’s outside.” the boy said.

“OK, how much?”

“$250.” says the boy.

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

“Yes, it is.”

“I have a baseball glove.” said the boy.

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

The boy says, “$750.”

“Sold.” says the man.

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and play catch.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The boy said “A $1,000?”

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that again. You’re in my closet now.”

A man and his Wife went to Holy Land for a vacation.

During the trip, the wife died. The coroner offered to have her buried in the Holy Land for $150 or he could have her remains shipped to home for $5,000.

After some thinking on it, the man said no.

The coroner said “Yes sir, I understand. I’m sure you’d like her remains to be near you so you can visit her grave site.”

The man said “No, that’s not it. A guy was buried here and he rose from dead in three days. I can’t take that chance… Send her back home.”

Two guys in a bar are talking about their wives.

“My wife is mad at me again,” says the first.

“Why?” asked the second.

“I was bombed at the bar across the street last night and she came looking for me.”

“What’d you do?” asked the other man.

“I asked her for her phone number.”

A guy walks into a bar and sits down.

The side of his face is bruised and bleeding…

The bartender looks at him and asks, “What in the world happened to you, buddy?”

The guy says “Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore.”

“Yeah,” says the bartender. “What did she do?”

“She hit me with her bag of quarters!”

A man dies and goes to Heaven.

He goes to meet God and asks Him if he would answer a few questions.

“Sure,” God says, “Go right ahead.”

“Ok,” the man says. “Why did you make women so pretty?”

God says, “So you would like them.”

“Ok,” the guy says. “But how come you made them so beautiful?”

“So you would Love them.” God replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, “But why did you make them such airheads?”

God smiles and says, “So they would love you.”

Two deaf people got married.

During the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out. There was just no way for them to see each other signing, or see each others’ lips to lip-read.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife came up with a solution.

She writes, “Honey, why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.”

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn’t want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.