A very small female janitor (4′10″, 90 pounds) worked at an amusement park and was told to go out and sweep up the grounds.

As she was getting ready to head out to clean up, her supervisor noticed her putting rocks in her pockets.

When asked what she was doing, she pointed out that it was so windy out she was afraid of getting knocked over by the wind.

“And you think this is going to help?” asked her boss.

“Sure,” she said, “now I weigh me down to sweep.”

One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision.

He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different. Someone who could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. The Lord said he would call this being a woman.

So, St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord.

“Ah, Peter, once again you have done an excellent job,” said The Lord.

“Thank you, Great One,” replied St. Peter. “I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to this being, this .. woman. I require your assistance on this matter, Lord.”

“You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man’s,” said The Lord.

“The nerve endings,” said St. Peter. “How many will I put in her hands?”

“How many did we put in Adam?” asked The Lord.

“Two hundred, my Lord,” replied St. Peter.

“Then we shall do the same for this woman,” said The Lord.

“And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?” inquired St. Peter.

“How many did we put in Adam?” asked The Lord.

“Seventy five, my Lord,” replied St. Peter.

“Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet, so they benefit from having less nerve endings there. Do the same for woman,” said the Lord.

“How many nerve endings should we put in woman’s genitals?” inquired St. Peter.

“How many did we put in Adam?” asked The Lord.

“Four hundred and twenty, my Lord,” replied St. Peter.

“Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn’t we? Do the same for woman,” said The Lord.

“Yes, my Lord,” said St. Peter.

“No, wait,” said The Lord. “Screw it, give her ten thousand! I want her to scream my name!”

So now you know!

At Saint Mary’s Catholic Church they have a weekly marriage counseling seminar for husbands.

During the session, the Priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I’ve a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”

The Priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”

Giuseppe proudly replied, “I’m agonna go get her.”

A new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. After a few confessions, the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.”

The new priest tries this, and realizes it looks thoughtful…

The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see,’ ‘yes,’ ‘go on,’ ‘I understand,’ and ‘how did you feel about that?’”

The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest says “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying ‘No shit? What happened next?!’”

An out-of-town visitor becomes friendly with Thelma, the waitress in his hotel coffee shop. After some innocent conversation he invites her up to his room.

Thelma is indignant and refuses.

The guy says, “Don’t get upset, this is all in the Bible.”

Thelma is somewhat appeased, but still refused the invitation. Instead, she agrees to see him for a few drinks. Again the man invites her up to his room, and again she is angry.

The man explains, “It’s in the Bible.”

An hour later they’re in the guy’s hotel room and he suggests they undress and have some fun. He assures Thelma that it isn’t sinful since it’s in the Bible.

“Where?” she says, not believing him. “Where does it say that?”

Taking the Bible from the hotel nightstand, he opens it to the front cover where someone has written, “Thelma the waitress is a great lay.”

A Priest meets his friend, who is a Rabbi, and says to him, “You have taught me many things but there is one thing in particular I want to learn very much but you do not wish to teach it to me. I want you to teach me the Talmud.”

The Rabbi replied, “You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a Non-Jew. There is no chance that you will succeed in understanding the Talmud.”

But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to teach him the Talmud.

Finally, the Rabbi agreed. The Rabbi then said to the Priest, “I will agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one question.”

The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi, “What is the question?”

The Rabbi then said to the Priest, “Two men fall down a chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up?”

“Very simple,” replied the Priest. “The one who is dirty goes to wash up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up.”

The Rabbi then says, “I told you that you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. The exact opposite happened. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also dirty, goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up.”

The Priest then says to the Rabbi, “This I did not think of. Ask me, please, another question.”

The Rabbi then said to the Priest, “Two men fall down a chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up?”

The Priest then says, “Very simple. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty one on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up.”

The Rabbi says, “You are wrong again. I told you that you will not understand. The clean one looks into the mirror, sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up. The dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to wash up.”

The Priest complains to the Rabbi, “But you did not tell me that there is a mirror there.”

The Rabbi says, “I told you. You are a Non-Jew. With your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. According to the Talmud, you have to think of all the possibilities.”

“All right,” groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. “Let us try once more. Ask me one more question.”

The Rabbi then says to the Priest, “Two men fall down a chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up?”

“That is very simple!” replied the Priest. “If there is no mirror there the clean one will look at the dirty one and will think that he is also dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up. The dirty one will look at the clean one and will think that he is also clean, and will, therefore, not go to wash up. If there is a mirror there, the clean one will look into the mirror and will, therefore, not go to wash up. The dirty one will look into the mirror and will see that he is dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up.”

The Rabbi shakes his head and says to the Priest, “I told you that you would not succeed in understanding. You are a Non-Jew; you have a Non-Jew brain. Tell me, how is it possible for two men to fall through a chimney and for one to come out dirty and the other to come out clean?”

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her nine year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home.

She puts her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

“I have a baseball.” said the boy.

“That’s nice.”

The boy asks, “Want to buy it?”

“No, thanks.” the man says.

“My dad’s outside.” the boy said.

“OK, how much?”

“$250.” says the boy.

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

“Yes, it is.”

“I have a baseball glove.” said the boy.

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

The boy says, “$750.”

“Sold.” says the man.

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and play catch.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The boy said “A $1,000?”

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that again. You’re in my closet now.”