A man and his Wife went to Holy Land for a vacation.

During the trip, the wife died. The coroner offered to have her buried in the Holy Land for $150 or he could have her remains shipped to home for $5,000.

After some thinking on it, the man said no.

The coroner said “Yes sir, I understand. I’m sure you’d like her remains to be near you so you can visit her grave site.”

The man said “No, that’s not it. A guy was buried here and he rose from dead in three days. I can’t take that chance… Send her back home.”

You know the old saying money talks and B.S. walks? Well, you’ll like this one:

A crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to the secretary, “I would like to join this damn church.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!”

“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.” The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There is no damn problem,” the man says. “I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.”

“I see,” said the pastor. “And this bitch is giving you a hard time?”

A man dies and goes to Heaven.

He goes to meet God and asks Him if he would answer a few questions.

“Sure,” God says, “Go right ahead.”

“Ok,” the man says. “Why did you make women so pretty?”

God says, “So you would like them.”

“Ok,” the guy says. “But how come you made them so beautiful?”

“So you would Love them.” God replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, “But why did you make them such airheads?”

God smiles and says, “So they would love you.”

Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius says: “Shit happens.”
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Taoism: Shit happens, so flow with it.
Perfectionist: If shit has to happen, let it happen properly.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens Rama Lama Ding Dong.
Quakerism: Shit won’t happen if I work harder.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn’t really happening to anyone.
Protestantism: If shit happens, praise the Lord for it.
Politics: Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?
Islam: Shit happening is Allah’s Will.
Existentialism: Shit happening is absurd!
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
New Age: A firm shit does not happen to me.
Atheist: I don’t believe this shit.
Voodoo: Shit doesn’t just happen — somebody dumped it on you.
Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening.
Jehovah’s Witness: There is only a limited amount of good shit.
Greek Philosophic: When shit happens, is it really shit?
Mormon: Hey, there’s more shit over here!
Elitism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you’ll be punished for it.
Unitarianism: Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
Iraqi Baathist: Oh, shit!
Heisenbergism: Shit happened, we just don’t know where.
Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke this shit.
Hippieism: If we had some shit, we’d smoke it.
Nixonism: Shit didn’t happen, and if it did I didn’t know anything about it.
McCarthyism: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?
Communism: It’s everybody’s shit.
Capitalism: Shit happens, and it’ll cost you!

A priest and a nun are playing ping pong.

The priest is a bit out of practice, and soon missed the ball. In frustration, he says “Shit!”

The nun admonishes the priest, because God doesn’t like that sort of language.

After a while, the priest missed another shot and he again exclaimed “Shit!”

The nun, getting somewhat irritated, again admonishes the priest for his language.

The priest composes himself and play resumes. But he soon misses the ball once again and shouts “Shit!”

Then there is a huge storm, bringing thunder, lightning and rain. Eventually, the nun is hit by the lightning.

The shaken priest hears a voice from above that says, “Shit!”

A man climbs to the top of mount Everest and gets close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks:

“God, what does a million years mean to you?”

God replies, “A second.”

The man then asks, “What does a million dollars mean to you?”

God replies, “Nothing.”

The man then asks, “Can I have Nothing, then?”

God says, “In a second…”

After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.

He said “Adam, I’ve decided to make you a woman. She’ll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you.”

Adam said “Great! What will she cost me?”

The answer came back, “An arm and a leg.”

“Well…” said Adam “what can I get for a rib?”