Three friends died together in a car accident.

Upon their arrival in heaven, they are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say “Look! He’s moving!“

An Arab was plodding through the desert, desperate for water. After hours of the tortuous heat, he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Arab shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!”

“OK,” said the old Jewish man, “it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

“Your brother won’t let me in without a tie!”

George was late for an important meeting.

He was driving around in a sweat because he couldn’t find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my drinking!”

Immediately, a parking place appeared.

George looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

Number of the Beast

666 is the Number of the Beast

670 – Approximate number of the Beast

DCLXVI – Roman numeral of the Beast

666.0000000 – Number of the High Precision Beast

665.9999954 – Number of the Pentium Beast

0.666 – Number of the Millibeast

/666 – Beast Common Denominator

666 x \| -1 – Imaginary number of the Beast

1010011010 – Binary Number of the Beast

1-666 – Area code of the Beast

00666 – Zip code of the Beast

1-900-666-0666 – Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute.

$665.95 – Retail price of the Beast

$699.25 – Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax

$769.95 – Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul

$606.66 – Wal-Mart price of the Beast

$566.66 – Costco/Price Club price of the Beast

Phillips 666 – Gasoline of the Beast

Route 666 – Way of the Beast

666 °F – Oven temperature for roast Beast

352.223C – Temperature of the Beast in Celsius

666k – Retirement plan of the Beast

666 mg – Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast

Lotus 6-6-6 – Spreadsheet of the Beast

Word 6.66 – Word Processor of the Beast

666i – BMW of the Beast

668 – Next-door neighbor of the Beast

- Number of the Blonde Beast, uh…what was the number again?

Three priests that are friends run into each other during lent.

The first priest mentions that he’s going to give up red meat for lent.

The second priest thinks for a minute and says he’s going to give up sweets for Lent.

The third priest’s attention had wandered to a passing woman wearing 4 inch heels and a tiny skirt when the first priest asks him what he was going to give up for lent.

After regaining control of himself he returns to the conversation and replies, “Celibacy.”

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water…” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

A nun in a convent walked into the bathroom where the Mother Superior was taking a shower.

“There is a blind man here to see you,” she tell the Mother Superior.

She thinks to herself “Well, if he is a blind man, then it does not matter if I’m not properly dressed.” So she tells the nun “Send him in.”

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on.

After a couple minutes of this, the man interrupts and says “That’s nice and all, ma’am, but you can put your clothes on now. Also, where do you want me to install these blinds?”