The Sesame Street Kindergarten needed to hire a new bus driver. On his first day, the new driver’s boss felt the need to let him know about the passengers he would pick up.

“On your first stop”, the boss explained, “you’ll pick up a girl named Patty. Patty is very large, but please don’t mention her size.”

“Your next stop will also be a girl named Patty, and she too is a large girl. Please don’t make fun of her, either.”

“Your third stop will be a kid named Ross. Ross is kinda special, according to his mother. But he’s harmless, so don’t worry.”

“Ross has a couple of peculiar habits, though”, his boss went on to explain. “He likes to pretend he’s sneezing so just let him. And he picks at his feet and toes, but other than that, he’s fine.”

The new bus driver says, “so what you’re telling me is I have two obese Patties, special Ross let him sneeze pickin’ bunions on a Sesame Street bus?”

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there and found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to a remote site he where he would make his collections.

On the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.

Being unfamiliar with the local tribes, the biologist was a little concerned. He asked the guide, “What are those drums?”

The guide turned to him and said, “Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop.”

Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks.

Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide, “The drums have stopped, what happens now?”

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, “bass solo.”

An ESL teacher requested students to use some words in a sentence.

1. Cheese

Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. Mushroom

When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.

3. Shoulder

My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I shoulder.

4. Texas

My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

5. Herpes

Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. July

Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. Rectum

I had two cars but my wife rectum!

8. Chicken

I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. Wheelchair

We only have one enchilada left, but don’ worry wheelchair.

10. Chicken wing

My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. Harassment

My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, “honey harassment nothing to me.”

12. Bishop

My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. Body wash

I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. Budweiser

That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, “Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?”

“How old is your mother, dear?” asks the teacher.

“Forty.” she replies.

“Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant.”

The little girl then asks, “Can my big sister get pregnant?”

“Well, dear, how old is your sister?”

The little girl answers, “Nineteen.”

“Oh, yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant.”

The little girl then asks, “Can I get pregnant?”

“How old are you, dear?”

The little girl answers, “I’m seven years old.”

“No, dear, you can’t get pregnant…”

Then, a little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, “See, I told you we had nothing to worry about.”

The Dean of Students at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

“We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,” she said, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

A young woman in the back of the room raised her hand to ask a question.

“Excuse me,” she said, after being recognized by the Dean. “But how do you make it last an hour?”

Mr. White was a biology professor at a posh suburban girl’s school.

During class, he asked one of his students, “Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it’s normal size, and define the conditions.”

Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, “Mr. White, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this.” With that, she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”

“Correct.” said Mr. White.

“Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied the chapter I assigned. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”

A professor at the University of Arkansas is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve seen a ghost.”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

Fifteen students raise their hands.

“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

Bubba The Redneck way in the back raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he reached the front of the room, the professor says, “Well, so tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”

To which Bubba The Redneck replied, “Shiiiiiit!!!. From way back thar I thought you said ‘Goats’!!”