A man walks into a Chinese restaurant for dinner.

He is told by the maitre’d that there will be a twenty minute wait and suggests he wait in the bar.

The man walks to the bar and seats himself.

The bartender walks up and says with a heavy accent, “What you rike dlink?”

The man replies, “Give me a Stoli with a twist.”

The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, “Once upon time were four rittle pigs…”

Here are a few peeves that dogs have about humans … from the dog’s point of view.

1. Blaming your farts on me….not funny. Not funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking. I’m a freakin’ dog, you idiot. And if you want quiet, stop making noise yourself.
3. Taking me for a walk and not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Just stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooo, what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back! Now really, can you blame me?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello? Haven’t you noticed the fur? Don’t be ridiculous.
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You’re just jealous. Admit it.

Now lay off me on some of these things, We both know who’s boss here! You don’t see me picking up your poop do you?

Almost every one of these is going to be offensive to someone. But that’s what makes them funny!

Q. What’s the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they’re not going to work in the future either.

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.

Q. Why do Driver’s Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Education class uses it.

Q. What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the ‘F’ word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”

Q. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, “Once upon a time…” and a southern fairytale begins, “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit.”

Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

In today’s more “green” conscious society, it’s helpful to know whether or not you’re wasting too much energy. Here’s a helpful list to see if you are:

1. A plasma screen in every room is this year’s home improvement goal.
2. You think “Energy Star” is an award for burning more electricity.
3. Your electric bill is delivered by hand-truck.
4. Your home draws so much power it has a nice, warm glow on Google Maps.
5. When you get home and turn on the lights there’s a ‘hit’ on the national power grid.
6. Your home entertainment system needs its own electric meter.
7. before starting your car, you program your SUV’s GPS to get you from gas station to gas station.
8. You paved over your herb garden for extra parking.
9. when you enter an appliance store, the first words out of your mouth are “Show me the biggest one you’ve got.”
10. You scoffed at “Cash for Clunkers” and bought a Nissan Titan to tow your SUV because it ran out of gas between stations.

What Are The Best Excuses to Use With Cops?

Here’s what I’ve got so far….

1. I was on my way to bring you donuts.
2. I didn’t want to be late getting home in time to watch cops.
3. I thought you wanted to race.
4. My girlfriend is pregnant and my wife just found out.
5. That light can’t be red if you’re too drunk to see it.
6. I was afraid you weren’t a real cop.
7. I thought you were bringing my wife back to me.
8. My wife didn’t want to be late and she out ranks you.
9. I knew there was a speed trap there and I wanted to get through it as quickly as possible.
10. I really had to take a dump. (This didn’t work with the cop but worked with the judge.)
11. I ran outta beer and I wanted to pick us both up a couple of 6 packs before the store closed.
12. Because this babe Ms.(read officers name tag) just called and said her husband was gone but she had the handcuffs so hurry up.
13. I’m driving a Toyota and the gas pedal is stuck.
14. uhh… no speaky engrish ocifer… korea!
15. I was speeding, I’m not gonna lie. But how fast were you going to catch up to me?

Have another one? Feel free to add your own excuses to the list!

Two friends were out walking home from a bar one night.

As they’re stumbling along, the first guy keeps adjusting his pants.

“I tell ya,” he says, “As soon as I get home, I’m gonna rip the wife’s nylons off!”

“What’s the rush?” his friend asked.

“The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me!” the first guy replied.

Everyone has a dream job.

Here’s a quick list of my dream jobs:

1. Mattress Tester
2. Gentleman Surfer
3. Booty Wrangler
4. Professional Smartass
5. Movie Critic
6. Official Taste Tester for Dunkin Donuts
7. World Renowned Bad Dancer
8. Referee For Women’s Mud Wrestling
9. Rock Rancher
10. Video Game Tester
11. Part-time Facial Hair Grower
12. Victoria’s Secret Dressing Room Security Guard

What’s your dream job?