One very windy day, a rabbi was on his way to temple. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew his streimel (fur hat) off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn’t catch up with it.

A young gentile man, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat and caught it. The young gentile man handed the hat over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so pleased and grateful that he gave the man twenty dollars, put his hand on the man’s head and blessed him. The young man was very excited about both the tip and the blessing.

The young gentile decided to take his new found wealth to the racetrack. He bet the entire $20 on the first race that he could.

After the races, the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father. “I arrived at the fifth race,” said the young man. “I looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of ‘Top Hat’ was running. The odds on this horse were 100 to 1. It was the longest shot in the field.”

After saving the rabbi’s hat, having received the rabbi’s blessing, gotten the $20, and seeing ‘Top Hat’ in the fifth race, I thought this was a message from God. So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat. An amazing thing happened. The horse that was the longest shot and who did not have the slightest chance to even show, came, in first by 5 lengths.”

“You must have made a fortune,” said the father.

“Well yes,” the son replied. “Over $2000.”

“But wait, it gets better,” the son continued. “In the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by the name of ‘Stetson’ was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1.” Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi’s blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse.”

“What happened?” asked the excited father.

“Stetson came in like a rocket. Now I had $60,000!”

“Are you telling me you brought home all this money?” asked his excited father.

“No,” said the son. “I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named ‘Chateau.’ So I decided to bet all the money on it because the horse was the heavy favorite and the name also means hat in French. But the horse broke down and came in last.”

“Hat in French is ‘Chapeau’ not ‘Chateau’ you moron,” said the father. “You lost all of the money because of your ignorance. Tell me, what horse won the race?”

“It was a long shot from Japan named ‘Yamaka.’” answered the son.

Ever get stuck wondering what to say for you outgoing message? Here are some helpful suggestions:

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me…

(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn’t have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin’ machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don’ like ‘em, but I shay it’ll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

You have reached 01234563. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in “as is” condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don’t return your call, it means the machine did not work.

Hello. I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?

Hi, this is John’s answering machine. He’s not here, but I’m open to suggestions.

Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done… (Cachunk!)

Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her radio, so I’m stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Thank you for calling 0123456. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn’t do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

Judgement Day

God: What have you done in your life?
Answer: Didn’t you read my tweets?

10. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate’s potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate’s potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, “He just didn’t belong.”
9. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8. Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, “The hair, it’s growing. Growing!”
7. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you’re doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, “Soon, soon….”
6. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5. Tell your roommate, “I’ve got an important message for you.” Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can’t remember what the message was. Later on, say, “Oh, yeah, I remember!” Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
4. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
3. Make a sandwich. Don’t eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, “Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?” Complain loudly that you are hungry.
2. Every time your roommate walks in yell, “Hooray! You’re back!” as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. After wards, keep looking at your watch and saying, “Shouldn’t you be going somewhere?”
1. Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, “No, I want to watch them suffer.”

Everybody who has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Boy.” I call mine Sex.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like to have one, too.” Then I said, “But this is a dog!” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “But you don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.” He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!” The clerk said, “Me too.”

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The judge said, “Me too.” Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, “Me too.”

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?” I said, “I’m looking for Sex.”

My case comes up Friday.

The Sesame Street Kindergarten needed to hire a new bus driver. On his first day, the new driver’s boss felt the need to let him know about the passengers he would pick up.

“On your first stop”, the boss explained, “you’ll pick up a girl named Patty. Patty is very large, but please don’t mention her size.”

“Your next stop will also be a girl named Patty, and she too is a large girl. Please don’t make fun of her, either.”

“Your third stop will be a kid named Ross. Ross is kinda special, according to his mother. But he’s harmless, so don’t worry.”

“Ross has a couple of peculiar habits, though”, his boss went on to explain. “He likes to pretend he’s sneezing so just let him. And he picks at his feet and toes, but other than that, he’s fine.”

The new bus driver says, “so what you’re telling me is I have two obese Patties, special Ross let him sneeze pickin’ bunions on a Sesame Street bus?”

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there and found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to a remote site he where he would make his collections.

On the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.

Being unfamiliar with the local tribes, the biologist was a little concerned. He asked the guide, “What are those drums?”

The guide turned to him and said, “Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop.”

Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks.

Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide, “The drums have stopped, what happens now?”

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, “bass solo.”