Bob, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump..”

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, so I knew he would jump.”

The blonde replied, “I did too, but didn’t think he’d do it again.”

Since it’s Shark Week:

Shark Bait

“Don’t eat the hard bit on it’s back … they make you fart!”

Joe decides to take his boss Tom to play 9 holes on their lunch.

While both men are playing well, they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace.

Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. “Well…” Tom explains. “One of those women is my wife and the other my mistress,” complained Joe.

Tom just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. As he was nearing the women, he too stopped short and turned around and returned to Joe with an angry expression on his face.

Joe asked “What’s wrong?”

“It’s a small, small world, Joe.” said Tom “And you’re fired!”

Biggest Idiot Ever

“I’m the Biggest Idiot Ever” … funny hand-made sign used at a hockey game.

Teeing off on the 12th hole at a golf resort, we stopped to buy cold drinks from the young woman driving the beverage cart.

As my buddy reached for his wallet, he said to her, “You’re in great shape. You must work out a lot.”

Flattered, she gave him a big smile. “Thank you.”

The next day a different young woman was driving the cart.

“Watch this,” I whispered. I walked up to her and said, “Wow, you must work out a lot.”

“Yeah,” she replied dryly. “You should try it.”

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her nine year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home.

She puts her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

“I have a baseball.” said the boy.

“That’s nice.”

The boy asks, “Want to buy it?”

“No, thanks.” the man says.

“My dad’s outside.” the boy said.

“OK, how much?”

“$250.” says the boy.

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

“Yes, it is.”

“I have a baseball glove.” said the boy.

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

The boy says, “$750.”

“Sold.” says the man.

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and play catch.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The boy said “A $1,000?”

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that again. You’re in my closet now.”

Basketball

“Why do we always have to play on the team without shirts?”