Some observations — and advice — for working in an office:

• When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
• No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
• The longer the title, the less important the job.
• Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
• An “acceptable” level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
• Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
• All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one’s own.
• Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
• Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong – until the next person quits or is fired.
• There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
• The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T …).
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• People are always available for work in the past tense.
• If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
• Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

A customer left his cell phone in a store.

The manager wanted to attempt to return the phone to its owner, so he scrolled through his saved numbers and found one labeled “Mom.”

Thinking this would be a good way to get in touch, he pushed send.

The store patron’s mother answered, and the manager told her what happened.

The mother seemed thankful and said “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.” and they finished the call.

Less than a minute later, the cell phone rang. It was “Mom.”

“Martin,” she said, not allowing the manager to identify himself yet. “You left your cell phone at the convenience store.”

Anyone who’s ever ridden in a cab in Rome, Italy, knows they’re some of the world’s most brazen drivers.

Oddly enough though, their current accident rate isn’t all that bad.

One day, while in Rome, I asked one of the drivers the reason for this.

“Easy,” he said. “All the bad drivers are dead.”

Here’s a great example of engineers over thinking a problem.

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and billions of dollars to develop a pen that would work.

Their research produced a pen the effectively writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 Celsius.

The Russians used a pencil.

Good: You’re pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets.
Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He’s a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there.
Ugly: You’re in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give “the birds and the bees” talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

“Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof.”

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

It was not revealed what grade the student got.

The world is a different place today. To illustrate this point, here are a few scenarios and how they would play out very differently when comparing 1957 to today.

Scenario 1:

Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.

1957 – The Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2009 – School goes into lock down, The FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors are called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 – A Crowd gathers. Mark wins the fight. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2009 – Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:

Jeffrey will not be still in class and is disrupting other students.

1957 – Jeffrey is sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2009 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability. Jeffrey later successfully sues the school board, principal, and teacher. The suit is settled out of court for an undisclosed sum that is in excess of 6 figures.

Scenario 4:

Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 – Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.

2009 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:

Pedro fails high school English.

1957 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes on to college.

2009 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July and puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1957 – Some Ants die.

2009 – The ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigate his parents — and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:

Wally falls while running during recess and breaks his ankle. He is found crying by his teacher, Nancy. Nancy comforts him while waiting for the paramedics.

1957 – Wally gets a cast on his foot and returns to school the next day.

2009 – Nancy is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in State Prison. Wally undergoes five years of required phychotherapy.