After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, “Miss, would y’all give me a piece of ass?”

She looked him over, smiled and said, “Sure, why not? It’s pretty slow here right now, so let’s go!”

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, “Will there be anything else?”

“Yes,” replied the tourist. “Where ah come from in Arkansas, we lack our bourbon ‘n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink.”

Teeing off on the 12th hole at a golf resort, we stopped to buy cold drinks from the young woman driving the beverage cart.

As my buddy reached for his wallet, he said to her, “You’re in great shape. You must work out a lot.”

Flattered, she gave him a big smile. “Thank you.”

The next day a different young woman was driving the cart.

“Watch this,” I whispered. I walked up to her and said, “Wow, you must work out a lot.”

“Yeah,” she replied dryly. “You should try it.”

An out-of-town visitor becomes friendly with Thelma, the waitress in his hotel coffee shop. After some innocent conversation he invites her up to his room.

Thelma is indignant and refuses.

The guy says, “Don’t get upset, this is all in the Bible.”

Thelma is somewhat appeased, but still refused the invitation. Instead, she agrees to see him for a few drinks. Again the man invites her up to his room, and again she is angry.

The man explains, “It’s in the Bible.”

An hour later they’re in the guy’s hotel room and he suggests they undress and have some fun. He assures Thelma that it isn’t sinful since it’s in the Bible.

“Where?” she says, not believing him. “Where does it say that?”

Taking the Bible from the hotel nightstand, he opens it to the front cover where someone has written, “Thelma the waitress is a great lay.”

A man and his Wife went to Holy Land for a vacation.

During the trip, the wife died. The coroner offered to have her buried in the Holy Land for $150 or he could have her remains shipped to home for $5,000.

After some thinking on it, the man said no.

The coroner said “Yes sir, I understand. I’m sure you’d like her remains to be near you so you can visit her grave site.”

The man said “No, that’s not it. A guy was buried here and he rose from dead in three days. I can’t take that chance… Send her back home.”

Walter arrived at his office late one morning and was greeted with giggles from the pretty young receptionist.

“What are you laughing at?” asked Walter.

“There’s a big black smudge on your face,” said the girl.

“Oh, that!” said Walter. “I can explain… I saw my wife off on a two-week vacation this morning; I took her to the station and kissed her good-bye.”

“But what about the black smudge?”

“As soon as she got on board, I ran up and kissed the engine.”

While on vacation in Rome, a man noticed a marble column in St. Peter’s Cathedral with a golden telephone on it.

As a young priest passed by, the man asked who the telephone was for.

The priest told me it was a direct line to heaven, and if he’d like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. The man was amazed, but he declined the offer.

Throughout Italy, he kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each, telephone, he asked about it and the answer was always the same: It was a direct line to heaven and one could call for a thousand dollars.

A year later, the same man was on vacation in Ireland.

He decided to attend Mass at a local village church. When he walked in the door, he noticed a familiar golden telephone on a marble column. Underneath it there was a sign stating: “Direct Line to Heaven: 25 cents.”

“Father,” the man asked the parish priest. “I have been all over Italy and in all the cathedrals I visited, I’ve seen telephones exactly like this one. But the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?”

The priest smiled and said, “You’re in Ireland now. It’s a local call.”

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had be knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded up against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on counter, the fridge door was wide open, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today??”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes…” he replied cautiously.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”