While on vacation in Rome, a man noticed a marble column in St. Peter’s Cathedral with a golden telephone on it.

As a young priest passed by, the man asked who the telephone was for.

The priest told me it was a direct line to heaven, and if he’d like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. The man was amazed, but he declined the offer.

Throughout Italy, he kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each, telephone, he asked about it and the answer was always the same: It was a direct line to heaven and one could call for a thousand dollars.

A year later, the same man was on vacation in Ireland.

He decided to attend Mass at a local village church. When he walked in the door, he noticed a familiar golden telephone on a marble column. Underneath it there was a sign stating: “Direct Line to Heaven: 25 cents.”

“Father,” the man asked the parish priest. “I have been all over Italy and in all the cathedrals I visited, I’ve seen telephones exactly like this one. But the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?”

The priest smiled and said, “You’re in Ireland now. It’s a local call.”

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had be knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded up against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on counter, the fridge door was wide open, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today??”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes…” he replied cautiously.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn’t help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father.” – “Good morning, Father.” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits — these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father.” – “Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”

She smiled and said, “Oh, Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Angela!”

Two Morons went to the desert for a vacation.

They rented a camel and headed out. Five days later they came back — but without the camel.

The man who had rented them the camel was very upset and screamed, “Where is my camel?”

They replied, “Well, we were riding along when we kept hearing people say, ‘Look at the two assholes on that camel!’ So finally we got off to take a look and the damn camel ran away.”

A woman decided to go on a vacation to France with some of her girl friends.

Her husband drove her to the airport and wished her a good trip. The wife asked, “Would you like me to bring something back for you?”

The husband laughed and says, “How about a French girl!”

Our lady kept quiet, didn’t respond and went into the terminal.

Two weeks later her husband picked her up at the airport and asked, “So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Really great, I loved Paris.”

“And, what happened to my present?”

“Which present?”

“What I asked for….the French girl?”

“Oh, that? Well, I did what I could. Now we’ll have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl.”

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback.

On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch.

Just as he was about to toss back his drink, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at
the bar.

“Oh my God!” the tourist cried, “What the hell’s going on here? I’ve been here one hour and I’ve seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some another one is wanking himself off in the bar!”

“Fair dinkum, mate,” the bartender told him, “you can’t expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep!”

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in.
Everything’s prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband
PS. Sure is hot down here.