Last night, my friend and I were watching the news. There was a story about a woman who was in the hospital on life support.
After the story, I thought for a moment and said to my friend:
“I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
So my friend got up, unplugged my computer and took my wine.
She’s such a bitch…
Three women, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna at their local spa.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. One of the young women pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.
“That was my pager.” the woman explained. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”
The older woman felt very low-tech. But not to be outdone she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her read end.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said, “Well, well, will you look at that. I’m getting a fax.”
You know it’s going to be a bad day when:
Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other.
The questions/statements are listed in the following order: a. Dangerous, b. Safer, c. Safest, d. Ultra Safe
a. What’s for dinner?
b. Can I help you with dinner?
c. Where would you like to go for dinner?
d. Here, have some wine.
a. Are you wearing that?
b. You sure look good in brown!
c. WOW! Look at you!
d. Here, have some wine
a. What are you so worked up about?
b. Could we be overreacting?
c. Here’s my paycheck.
d. Here, have some wine.
a. Should you be eating that?
b. You know, there are a lot of apples left.
c. Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
d. Here, have some wine.
a. What did you DO all day?
b. I hope you didn’t over-do it today.
c. I’ve always loved you in that robe!
d. Here, have some wine.
13 Things PMS Stands For
She is not a BABE or a CHICK.
She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER.
She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY.
She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT.
She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB.
She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND.
She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED.
She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY.
She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY.
She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD.
She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY.
She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY.
She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS.
She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU.
She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT.
She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS.
She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE.
She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
Girls can be hard to understand…
Sometimes they try to be subtle, and the message gets lost on some men.
Here is a little insight on what women mean by what they say in certain situations.
“It’s a little chilly in here.”
Means: Come over here and warm me up! This is especially true if she’s already wearing a sweater.
“Aww, you shouldn’t have.”
Means: You certainly should have. (And it’s possible you just earned some points.)
“I don’t know what I’m doing tonight.”
Means: Ask me to do something with you. (If it sounds fun, she might do it with you otherwise she will call one of her other boyfriends but she’s definitely doing something tonight.)
“Come over – we can hang out, watch a movie.”
Means: I have more than a movie in mind. She’s just looking for the right guy to do it with — and it sill may not be you.
“I’ll be ready in a minute.”
Means: I’m ready now, but I’m gonna make you wait a little longer. Don’t start acting impatient or the process will take even longer.
“I have nothing to wear!”
Means: I need an excuse to go shopping. This makes no sense, as most guys will not want to take her shopping and most women need no real excuse to go shopping.
“I’m fine!” (in a bar)
Means: I’m DRUNK! (But not so blotto that she doesn’t know what she’s doing.)
“I’m fine” (in any other situation).
Means: There’s obviously something bothering me. And it probably involves you.
“Is that what you’re wearing tonight?”
Means: I hate what you’re wearing – go change! Preferably, change into the clothes that she bought or picked out for you, since you don’t know how to dress yourself.
“No, I don’t mind that you talk to her.”
Means: Of course it bothers me if you talk to her! I hate when you talk to other girls. (But it’s okay if a girl flirts with other guys, since that’s just flirting and nothing more.)
“I just need some space.”
Means: I need space without you in it.
“Can we slow things down a little?”
Means: I’m not having sex with you.
“I’m not ready for a boyfriend right now.”
Means: I don’t want you to be my boyfriend.
“We’re such good friends… you’re like a brother to me.”
Means: You don’t have a shot in hell – you’re in the friend zone.
