When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

All of my older female relatives, the aunts and the grandmotherly types — used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and giggling, saying to me, “You’re next.”

I put up with it for years, just quietly suffering through their torments.

Then I had an idea: I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

In an effort to better explain women, we’ve done some math on the topic and we’d like to share what we’ve discovered:

1. To find a woman, you need Time and Money. Therefore:

Woman = Time x Money

2. You know the saying “Time is Money,” so:

Time = Money

3. Therefore: Woman = Money x Money, or:

Woman = (Money)²

4. You’ve also heard that “Money is the Root of All Problems.”

Money = \Problems

5. Therefore,

Woman = (\Problems)²

6. Removing the exponents, you arrive at:

Woman = Problems

I hope that helps.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:”

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

“Now,” she concludes, “think about it seriously, Mister….Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Envy: It wears a coat and hangs out in hallways.

Between the ages of 16 and 18, a woman is like Africa — virgin and unexplored.

Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia — hot and exotic.

Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America — fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe — exhausted but still has points of interest.

After 56, she is like Australia — everybody knows it’s down there but who gives a damn.

If Women Ruled The World…

1. PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
2. Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
3. Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
4. Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
5. “Ms.” Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
6. Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
7. Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women earn.
8. Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
9. Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
10. During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.

A woman went up up the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” he replied.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender… “Is there anything I can do”

“Yes, I need you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender managed to say.

“Tell him,” she whispered. “there’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”