Cracking the Human Resources code.

The real meaning of those phrases in a job listing:

• Competitive Salaray
  Most of our competitors don’t pay much either.
• Join Our Fast-Paced Company
  We have no time to train you.
• Casual Work Atmosphere
  You’ll be here very late, very often — might as well be comfortable.
• Must be Deadline-Oriented
  Your first four projects are already way overdue.
• Some Overtime Required
  Did we mention that you’ll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.
• Duties Will Vary
  Anyone in the office can boss you around.
• Must Have and Eye for Detail
  We have no quality control.
• Career-Minded
  Female applicants must be childless.
• Apply in Person
  If you’re old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.
• No Phone calls Please
  This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executive’s nephew.
• Seeking Candidates With a Wide Variety of Experience
  Due to consolidation, you’ll be replacing three people.
• Problem-Solving Skills a Must
  This company is a total mess.
• Requires Team Leadership Skills
  You’ll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect.
• Good Communication Skills
  Listen to management, figure out what they want, don’t ask too many questions and get the sh*t done.

A young Programmer and his Project Manager boarded a train headed through the mountains on their way to a business meeting.

They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”

The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him — hitting me instead.”

The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager on the same day!”

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The dog handler says to the first man, “Don’t mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work.”

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, “Watch this.”

He tells the dog, “Rover, search.”

The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler’s arm.

He says, “Good boy”, and turns to the first man and says, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.”

“Fantastic!” replies the first man, very impressed with the dog’s talents.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler’s arm.

He says, “Good boy”, and turns to the first man and says, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of this, and the seat number.”

“That’s marvelous, I’ve never seen anything like it!” says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and poops all over the place.

The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks “What the heck is going on?”

The handler replies, “He’s just found a bomb!”

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give more than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give more than 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

To assist with these questions, we provide here, a formula:

Assign each of the letters of the alphabet the values 1 through 26. So, A=1, B=2, C=3 and so on.

Now, let’s look at those words:

H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K, or
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E, or
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E, or
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B+U+L+L+S+H+I+T, or
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

And,

A+S+S+K+I+S+S+I+N+G, or
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Ever wonder what those terms in your annual performance review really mean?

Here’s a helpful guide to show you:

1. Outgoing Personality – Always going out of the office.
2. Great Presentation Skills – Able to bullshit.
3. Good Communication Skills – Spends lots of time on phone.
4. Work is First Priority – Too ugly to get a date.
5. Active Socially – Drinks a lot.
6. Independent Worker – Nobody knows what he/she does.
7. Quick Thinking – Offers plausible excuses.
8. Careful Thinker – Won’t make a decision.
9. Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs – Gets someone else to do it.
10. Expresses Themselves Well – Speaks English.
11. Meticulous Attention to Detail – A nit picker.
12. Has Leadership Qualities – Is tall or has a loud voice.
13. Exceptionally Good Judgment – Lucky.
14. Keen Sense of Humor – Knows a lot of dirty jokes.
15. Career Minded – Back Stabber.
16. Loyal – Can’t get a job anywhere else.
17. Plans for Promotion/Advancement – Buys drinks for all the boys.
18. Of Great Value to the Organization – Gets to work on time.
19. Relaxed Attitude – Sleeps at desk.

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large tech corporation.

The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.

“Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and the CEO was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press – and Wall Street – responded positively. Sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.”

This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.

Confident that the advice of his predecessor would get him through this trial as well, the CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”

An elderly lady called her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called.

She went on to state that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always barked right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the the woman’s home, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house.

The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog barked loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground post via an iron chain and collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and then urinate on the ground.
4. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.