A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip.

He didn’t do well and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they’d have to drastically alter their life-style.

The wife, accustomed to a luxurious lifestyle was concerned and asked “What kind of changes are we talking about?”

“Well,” he started out thoughtfully. “If you’ll just learn to cook, we can fire the chef.”

The wife was not happy hearing this and said “Okay, and if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener.”

You know it’s going to be a bad day when:

• You wake up face down on the pavement.
• You call the Suicide Prevention Hot-line and they put you on hold.
• You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
• Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
• Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
• You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night’s party – and there aren’t any.
• You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city.
• Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
• You wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then realize that you don’t have a water bed.
• Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.
• You see the “60 Minutes” News Team waiting in your Office.
• Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat.
• You walk to work and discover that your dress is tucked in the back of your pantyhose.
• Your kid says “Did you know that it’s almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet?”
• You’re driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light, you drop it between your legs. As you frantically search for it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car.
• You wake up too late to catch the van pool – then you realize that you’re driving the van this week.

Could Columbus have discovered America if he were married?

NO

Because:

1. “Where are you going?
2. “With Whom?”
3. “To discover what?”
4. “Why only you?”
5. “What do I do, when you are not here?”
6. “Can I come?”
7. “When will you be back?”
8. “Will you be coming home for dinner?”
9. “What will you bring home for me?”

Columbus drops his plan…

Bill Gates is given credit for this but it actually came from a book called, “Dumbing Down Our Kids” by Charles Sykes.

Bill Gates gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

• Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!
• Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.
• Rule 3: You will not make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a fancy car until you earn both.
• Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait ’till you get a boss.
• Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it “opportunity.”
• Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
• Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
• Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.
• Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you “find yourself.” Do that on your own time.
• Rule 10: Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
• Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1. Try saying: I think you could use more training.
   Instead of: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.
2. Try sauing: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
   Instead of: She’s a f___ing bit__.
3. Try saying: Perhaps I can work late.
   Instead of: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4. Try saying: I’m certain that isn’t feasible..
   Instead of: No f___ing way.
5. Try saying: Really?
   Instead of: You’ve got to be sh___ing me!
6. Try saying: Perhaps you should check with…
   Instead of: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7. Try saying: I wasn’t involved in the project.
   Instead of: It’s not my f___ing problem.
8. Try saying: That’s interesting.
   Instead of: What the f___?
9. Try saying: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
   Instead of: This sh__ won’t work.
10. Try saying: I’ll try to schedule that.
    Instead of: Why the f___ didn’t you tell me sooner?
11. Try saying: He’s not familiar with the issues…
    Instead of: He’s got his head up his a__.

12. Try saying: Excuse me, sir?
    Instead of: Eat sh__ and die.
13. Try saying: So you weren’t happy with it?
    Instead of: Kiss my a__.
14. Try saying: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
    Instead of: F__ it, I’m on salary.
15. Try saying: I don’t think you understand.
    Instead of: Shove it up your a__.
16. Try saying: I love a challenge.
    Instead of: This f___ing job sucks.
17. Try saying: You want me to take care of that?
    Instead of: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
18. Try saying: He’s somewhat insensitive.
    Instead of: He’s a pr_ck.