Q. How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

Q. How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

Q. How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four. One to ask “What is the registration number of the light bulb?”, one to ask “Have you tried rebooting it?”, another to ask “Have you tried reinstalling it?” and the last one to say “It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine…”

Q. How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q. How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q. How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle…

Q. How many Microsoft MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A. MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.

Q: How many Microsoft Word support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?

Q. How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a faucet.

Q. How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We just document that the room is dark; we don’t actually fix the problems.

Q. How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You’re still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you’d have to do is send a light bulb change message.

Q. How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before 2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.

Q. How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One, but she/he’ll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.

Conscious of his new position, the colonel paused for a moment before telling the airman to enter.

He then picked up the phone and said into it, “Yes, General, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.”

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, “What do you want?”

“Nothing important, sir,” the airman replied with a slight grin. “I’m just here to hook up your telephone.”

Property Insurance

Jeff’s farm was destroyed by a tornado. His wife Amy called their insurance agent and said, “The farm was insured for $200,000 and we want the money.”

“I’m sorry Amy, but it doesn’t work that way. We will determine the value of your farm and get you a new one that is worth about the same.” the agent said.

Amy paused and replied, “Well, in that case, I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”

Four Months to Live

A widow went to the hospital because she was very sick. After some testing a doctor told her, “There is no easy way to say this. You will only live another four months.”

The woman lowered her head and didn’t speak for a moment. She then asked “what am I going do?”

The doctor said, “Marry an insurance salesman.”

“Will that help me live longer?” she asked.

“No, but it will seem longer.”

Insurance Salesman

An insurance salesman, accountant and a secretary are traveling in through a rural area. Tired, they drive up to a small country inn.

The owner tells them he only has a room with two beds so somebody will have to sleep in the barn for the night.

The secretary loses a game of rock paper scissors and heads out to the barn while the others go to sleep.

In less than an hour they are woken up by a knock. It’s the secretary, who complains, “There is a pig in the barn. I’m Jewish, and cannot sleep near an unclean beast.”

The accountant gets frustrated and heads out to the barn.

The other two go to bed but soon are woken up by another knock.

It’s the accountant who says, “There is a cow in that barn. I’m a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred beast.”

The insurance salesman just wants to get some sleep he walks over to the barn in a huff.

Some time goes by and the accountant and secretary fall fast asleep but they are woken up by a much louder pounding.

They open the door and are surprised by what they see: The pig and the cow.

A young boy is walking down the street with his father.

As they walked past a music store, the boy stops and stares in the window staring at an electric guitar.

After a while his father asks him, “What are you looking at?”

In a faraway voice he says, “Dad, I want to be a guitar player when I grow up.”

His father replies. “Now son, you can’t have both.”

If you’re looking to romance a graphic designer, we can help.

Here are some ice-breakers guaranteed to help you find someone to love, to hold and to go halfers on a new copy of Photoshop with you.

1. I wish I had an Eyedropper to capture the color of your eyes.
2. Has anybody ever told you that your teeth have perfect kerning?
3. If you were a logo, it would be for a really premium brand.
4. I’m just like a global nav; I love to be on top.
5. Come back to my place and I’ll show you a really naughty way to fill up some negative space.
6. Would you like to lorem ipsum dolor sit on my lap?
7. If I went to a stock photography site and typed in the keyword: “sexy”, I bet there’d be a picture of you.
8. I couldn’t help but notice your eye path went right to my smudge stick.
9. If I hit Shift + [ will it increase the hardness of your brush?
10. Just looking at you from across the bar, I could tell you display high Brightness and Vibrance, and have multiple Layers.
11. You look perfectly put together. Do you display this well in IE?
12. I like my fonts sans-serif, and you sans-pants.
13. If you bring the tool, I’ll bring the color palette.
14. I dig your look and feel.
15. If you like what you see now, wait’ll you look below the fold.
16. Let’s “Skip Intro” and just go find a hotel room right now.
17. When I serve you breakfast in bed tomorrow, would you like your coffee with cream and sugar, or do you prefer it #000?
18. Do you want to touch my Bézier curves?
19. What if I told you the fly on my legs opens quicker than a 500kb JPEG file?
20. Mind if I take you for a usability test?

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “great” he said:

“I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their project manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break.

While discussing the problems they’re experiencing on their current project, they come upon an old brass lamp. One of them picks it up and dusts it off. Poof – out pops a genie.

“Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you three wishes. Since there are three of you, I will grant one wish to each of you.”

The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, “I’d like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew.”

“It is done”, said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.

The software engineer thinks a moment and says, “I’d like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest.”

“It is done”, said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.

The project manager looks at where the other two had been standing and without hesitation tells the Genie, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”