A very small female janitor (4′10″, 90 pounds) worked at an amusement park and was told to go out and sweep up the grounds.

As she was getting ready to head out to clean up, her supervisor noticed her putting rocks in her pockets.

When asked what she was doing, she pointed out that it was so windy out she was afraid of getting knocked over by the wind.

“And you think this is going to help?” asked her boss.

“Sure,” she said, “now I weigh me down to sweep.”

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment, Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”

The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”

Divorce Cake

There’s a cake for every occasion…..

A mathematician, an accountant and a public relations officer all applied for the same job with a large company.

The interviewer called in the mathematician first and asked, “What does two plus two equal?”

The mathematician replied, “Four.”

The interviewer asked, “Four, exactly?”

The mathematician looked at the interviewer incredulously and said, “Yes, of course: four, exactly.”

Then the interviewer called in the accountant and asked the same question, “What does two plus two equal?”

The accountant said, “On average, four — give or take 10 percent, but on average, four.”

Then the interviewer called in the public relations officer and again posed the same question, “What does two plus two equal?”

The public relations officer got up, locked the door, closed the shade, sat down next to the interviewer and whispered, “What do you want it to equal?”

A mother discovered her young daughter playing doctor with a neighbor boy.

The mother was furious. She grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.

“It’s only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age.” the boy’s mother said.

“‘Only natural?’ I don’t think you understand what was happening.” the irate mother said.

“What?” the boy’s mother asks. “You said they were playing doctor.”

“He took out her appendix!” yelled the girl’s mother.

Biggest Idiot Ever

“I’m the Biggest Idiot Ever” … funny hand-made sign used at a hockey game.

Motivation

Motivation: It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care.