In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery School. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use ‘Big People Words,’ she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
“I went to visit my Nana.” John replied.
“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use Big People words.”
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.” Mitchell said.
She said. “No, you took a ride on a train. You must remember to use Big People words.”
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
“I read a book” he replied.
“That’s wonderful,” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
“Winnie the SHIT”
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I’d been drinking.
I’m going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye–they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only one check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I’m really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail…
A nun in a convent walked into the bathroom where the Mother Superior was taking a shower.
“There is a blind man here to see you,” she tell the Mother Superior.
She thinks to herself “Well, if he is a blind man, then it does not matter if I’m not properly dressed.” So she tells the nun “Send him in.”
The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on.
After a couple minutes of this, the man interrupts and says “That’s nice and all, ma’am, but you can put your clothes on now. Also, where do you want me to install these blinds?”
These are handy sentences to know when traveling in Muslim countries:
“AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.”
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
“FEKR GABUL GARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.”
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
“SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE.”
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
“AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.”
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
“FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN.”
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
“KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRIKAHEY.”
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies traveling as reporters.
“BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!”
Whatever you say!
“MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.”
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
“TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELLEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.”
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.
The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don’t Use Computers
( * 1. Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws. )
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied, “I’m going to Las Vegas.”
He asked her why she was going.
She told him, “I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free.”
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said, “And just where do you think you are going?”
“I”m going too!” he replied.
“Why?” she asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!”
