A Zen Master goes up to a hot dog cart and says, “Make me one with everything.”

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill into his cash box and closes it.

“Where’s my change?” asks the Zen Master.

And the vendor responds, “Change must come from within.”

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help people cope with the stress that builds during the day.

Breakfast:
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch:
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey’s kiss

Afternoon Snack:
The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner:
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Midnight Snack:
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

A man and his wife were celebrating their fortieth wedding anniversary.

The wife says to her husband, “We’ve been married so long, sweetheart, I hope you feel you can ask me anything you want. After all this time I want us to be completely open in our relationship.”

The husband replies, “Okay, there is one thing that has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven’t had the courage to ask before…but I have noticed that all six of our children look similar to one another except one. I can’t figure out how he got to look so different. Does he have a different father than the rest?”

The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, “yes. Yes he did have a different father.”

Her husband was taken aback. “Oh! Okay, I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child’s father?”

Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed, and after a long silence she said simply, “You.”

Cracking the Human Resources code.

The real meaning of those phrases in a job listing:

• Competitive Salaray
  Most of our competitors don’t pay much either.
• Join Our Fast-Paced Company
  We have no time to train you.
• Casual Work Atmosphere
  You’ll be here very late, very often — might as well be comfortable.
• Must be Deadline-Oriented
  Your first four projects are already way overdue.
• Some Overtime Required
  Did we mention that you’ll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.
• Duties Will Vary
  Anyone in the office can boss you around.
• Must Have and Eye for Detail
  We have no quality control.
• Career-Minded
  Female applicants must be childless.
• Apply in Person
  If you’re old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.
• No Phone calls Please
  This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executive’s nephew.
• Seeking Candidates With a Wide Variety of Experience
  Due to consolidation, you’ll be replacing three people.
• Problem-Solving Skills a Must
  This company is a total mess.
• Requires Team Leadership Skills
  You’ll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect.
• Good Communication Skills
  Listen to management, figure out what they want, don’t ask too many questions and get the sh*t done.

Men are not so complicated. Just look at the facts outlined below:

• The nice men are ugly.
• The handsome men are not nice.
• The handsome and nice men are gay.
• The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
• The men who are not so handsome, but are nice, have no money.
• The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think women are only after their money.
• The handsome men without money are after women’s money.
• The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don’t think women are beautiful enough.
• The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are pigs.
• The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and are actually heterosexual, are shy and never make the first move
• The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in when a woman takes the initiative.

Now … who in the world understands men?

Nothing has ever failed quite as hard as you just did.

If Women Ruled The World…

1. PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
2. Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
3. Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
4. Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
5. “Ms.” Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
6. Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
7. Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women earn.
8. Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
9. Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
10. During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.